To say no to my friend using my shower?

(58 Posts)
HugeLaurie Tue 26-Feb-13 16:30:17

One of my closest friends lives on the same street as me. Her boiler has broken down probably 10/12 times over the last year. It was last fixed a week ago and broke again on Saturday evening.

Each time the boiler has broken over the last year it has been out for two to three days at a time and every time it breaks she asks me to use my shower, either in the evening after I have finished work or before I go to work.

Unfortunately she doesn't just shower and then go home. For example last night she came for a shower and stayed for two hours before she even had her shower. I said that after she had washed I needed to go to bed because I was tired (it was 10.30pm) and she said she wanted a cup of tea before she left, which I made for her. She left at 11.45pm.

I am always in a rush in the morning and have to get me and my son ready for work and school and I haven't got the time to accommodate her showing in the morning.

She has just text me asking if she can bring a bottle of wine over tonight and use my shower again. I have said no, it's not convenient tonight, but I feel guilty. Very guilty.

My boiler has broken several times in the past and I have had strip washes, boiled kettles etc to make sure my son can have a shallow bath and wash his hair.

AIBU to say no if it's not convenient?

lashingsofbingeinghere Tue 26-Feb-13 16:32:33

Tell her to get a new boiler! FGS no one's boiler breaks that often surely.

lashingsofbingeinghere Tue 26-Feb-13 16:34:47

Also (sneaky thought) she isn't just saving money is she?

HugeLaurie Tue 26-Feb-13 16:35:00

Unfortunately the house is rented. Her landlord has a homecare agreement with British Gas but they can't seem to fix it on a long term basis. It has packed up four times in the last two months or so.

manticlimactic Tue 26-Feb-13 16:35:31

No YANBU! She wanted a cup of tea before she left? WTF? Did you ask if her kettle was broken too?

Wrt the bottle of wine. Say of course and when she gives you the bottle say 'Ooh that will be great for this weekend, so kind of you to get me a thank you gift'.

You need to tell her straight.

Nancy66 Tue 26-Feb-13 16:36:44

you aren't being unreasonable...BUT if you say no to tonight she'll prob ask if she can use it inthe morning.

Shinyshoes1 Tue 26-Feb-13 16:38:20

Why does it break so much . She needs a new boiler , unfortunately they don't come cheap

Difficult one , as long as she can use yours she is going to be in any rush to get hers fixed .

I wouldn't say no completely but that's just me . But I'd certainly wouldn't let her use it all the time .

As a friend I'd be inclined to let her use it SOMETIMES but enough to let her know she needs to get hers fixed

noisytoys Tue 26-Feb-13 16:38:34

At first I thought YABU thinking it would just be a quick shower for a friend but she is taking the piss and it will get worse. She sounds lonely

Jibberoo Tue 26-Feb-13 16:38:48

sorry but YBU - she's a friend so help her out. Just be more forceful when it comes to her staying longer

NinaHeart Tue 26-Feb-13 16:38:56

Tell her your shower has broken from overuse.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 26-Feb-13 16:39:28

Ooh I was all ready to say that you were being unreasonable, but she is taking the piss.

Has it really broken or is she just looking for some company? The cup of tea thing is weird, surely the boiler being out doesn't mean she can't boil a kettle??

NinaHeart Tue 26-Feb-13 16:39:48

Or help her compose a stern letter to her landlord demanding a new boiler.

StickEmUp Tue 26-Feb-13 16:40:09

It's never unreasonable to not want someone to use your stuff.
However, it seems a little bit mean. Staying for tea and wine, maybe she is lonely as well.

I feel pretty sorry for her really.

That said, how well do you know eachother?

I also think about the strip washes, that's all very self sufficient but other people do have the nouse to ask for help too.

DontmindifIdo Tue 26-Feb-13 16:41:45

You need to either say no or give her time slots - you are doing her a favour remember.

coldcupoftea Tue 26-Feb-13 16:43:58

You just need to be more upfront about it- I would be inclined to say yes, but only if you come between 7 and 8 as I have to go to bed/go out/ insert appropriate excuse!

HugeLaurie Tue 26-Feb-13 16:44:58

No, she's not lonely. She's very happily married. Her DH is a paramedic so he showers at work.

Every time the shower has broken she has used mine. Every day. I have never said no before but it's just becoming too much. I really don't want company every night. I have said previously that she can come and shower if it's quick, because I'm busy etc but it always turns into a long chat with a cup of tea or wine and I'm not getting anything done, for example housework etc.

Plus, I want to spend time with my son. I work full time and I'm also a single parent so time is always in short supply. I hardly see my son as we don't get home until six and he goes to bed at eight. If she is there every night then I don't get any time with him at all.

Please don't get me wrong here, I love her to bits. She is lovely. But it's getting to be every night when it breaks down, which is a lot at the moment.

lashingsofbingeinghere Tue 26-Feb-13 16:45:02

Her problems should not be your problems. Help her write a stiff letter to the LL demanding a new boiler. In the meantime perhaps make it clear to your DF that this is happening so often you can't accomodate her any more and she needs to make alternative arrangements - as you yourself have managed to in the past.

StickEmUp Tue 26-Feb-13 16:45:15

Sorry I see the bit more clearly about this impinging so much on your life.
I ask for help and might be the friend in this scenario (as in I would do what she has done) but not over stay my welcome and I would ask humbly.

She doesnt sound like she is doing either very well.

If I asked this and someone said to me 'sure please use, but be aware the last couple of times it impinged on my life, and I can't have that happening again.' with a smile

doctorhamster Tue 26-Feb-13 16:46:19

Can you tell her to come for her shower at 6 (or whatever) and that you have to go out at 6.30 so she will need to be gone by then?

She also needs to give her ll hell...she clearly needs a new boiler!

HugeLaurie Tue 26-Feb-13 16:49:33

I said to her last night that I can help out and I'm more than happy to help out but that her landlord can't rely on me always being around so that she can shower at my house. It isn't always convenient. Her landlord has actually given her notice over this issue as apparently she is being a pain by complaining about the boiler. She is in the process of buying a house but realistically there could be another two months of this.

I have tried saying you can shower if you just shower and then go home but it never happens and I don't want to upset her by telling her to hurry up.

HugeLaurie Tue 26-Feb-13 16:50:27

doctor - she works until seven so that's not possible I'm afraid. I have to wait in until she arrives.

Viviennemary Tue 26-Feb-13 16:52:43

I too was ready to say YABU. But you are certainly not. She needs a new boiler not all this messing about. She is putting on you too much. A one off is OK and most people would do that for a friend but not all the time. She could use the showers at the local swimming baths. But it is going to be hard telling her no. But all this bottles of wine and staying for hours. That's just cheeky. Best compromise she has to be in and out in 20 minutes as you're going out or having guests round.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 26-Feb-13 16:55:33

You have to wait in until she arrives?

Fuck that.

Ruprekt Tue 26-Feb-13 16:57:31

I would turn off the phone, close the curtains and go to bed. Really I would. Ignore the calls completely and pretend to not be in!

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 26-Feb-13 16:57:48

And good luck to her landlord renting the place out without a properly working boiler!

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