To say he can't go to stag do if there are going to be strippers?

(696 Posts)
DelphineD Sat 09-Feb-13 23:10:58

I'm sorry if this ends up being long; I will try to keep it as concise as possible.

Last year DP went to a stag do (first one that has come up whilst we have been together). It was one of his closest friends, and one that I previously liked and respected. They were away for 2 nights. I had wondered if some sort of strip thing might be involved but I thought probably not as the friend was not that kind of man and DP assured me when he got back that there was nothing of the kind. I later found out (through my scarily good investigation and interrogation!!) that this was not the case. On the first night they had been to a strip club and on the second night there were topless waitresses at their apartment for about 3 hours. This info came out bit by bit. Each time DP would insist there was nothing more to tell, then I found out something else. Eventually I think I got a full confession out of him but it was difficult to be sure as he had lied so many times about it. I also got out of him that there had been topless waitresses at a work party he had attended some time before (I had suspected something wrong and he had always denied it before.) He claimed all this was not of his doing, it was not really of interest to him and he just went along with it because they were in a group and he didn't want to make a fuss etc etc. If he had had a lap dance, I would have broken up with him (friend had a lap dance and the man has gone down a lot in my estimation.) As it was I nearly broke up with him anyway. He knew how much I hated strippers and how I would feel about it, and he did it anyway. But I think the most damaging thing was the lying. I trusted him before, and he had destroyed all that.

We got over it and agreed that if there was anything like this again he would tell me the truth and face the music. He understands how much more damaging it was that he lied about it. Since then, I have been to a work party where there was a male stripper. I didn't know in advance but I did know once I got there and I could have come home. It seemed a bit hypocritical, but I went anyway. I just sat at the back, while some of the married women in my group, went up on stage, straddled the stripper, took their wedding rings off, etc etc. That made me think that I wasn't so worried about DP being present in a large room where women were stripping, it was how he behaved and the interaction that would bother me. Hence why I was more upset about the topless women in the apartment than the ones in the strip club. FWIW I believe he would have behaved in a similar way to me in his situation. But his friend having that lap dance upset me, and made me think you can't trust any man, even the ones who seem nice and like they really love their partners.

Now he has his DB's stag party coming up. It's in the city where we live, but some people will be coming from elsewhere so there will be an apartment rented again. He has said he will tell the truth about it this time. He has admitted that the best man is planning something to do with strippers but nothing is booked in yet. I'm already feeling upset about it already and I just don't want him to be around strippers at all. WIBU to say, if that is happening, I don't want you to go at all?

Parker231 Sat 09-Feb-13 23:16:43

I think you are being unrealistic to think you can tell him not to go especially as its his DB's stag do. Am assume you're going on the hen do with your SIL to be ?

cardibach Sat 09-Feb-13 23:17:28

That was a bit long, so forgive me if i have missed any subtleties. I don;t think the strippers are the problem, more that he wasn;t honest with you. Watching strippers is not necessarily detrimental to your relationship - you don't even know what he thought of them. Not telling you the truth is more worrying, although judging by your reaction, perhaps he thought he was protecting you.
I think YWBU to stop an adult doing something they wanted to.

Softlysoftly Sat 09-Feb-13 23:20:12

I don't like strippers, I think it's objectifying however I'm realistic enough to know they appear to be traditional at stag dos and is hard for a man to be included yet avoid them. DH had walled away and gone to bed when others have had dances but ut want easy and tbh he did it because he wouldn't waste the cash nor for any moral reason!

So yanbu to dislike it but tbh you sound a bit extreme interrogating your DP and banning him from places. You either Trust him or you don't. So no in essence I think ywbu to try and control his attendance, you will put him in the position of damaging his friendship or getting "told off" like a kid.

Softlysoftly Sat 09-Feb-13 23:21:49

Oh it's his brother I missed that yabu!

And sorry my typing is so appalling I've yet to gel with swype!

scarlettsmummy2 Sat 09-Feb-13 23:21:56

I don't think you can stop him going to his brothers stag party.

Bearbehind Sat 09-Feb-13 23:22:26

I fully accept that I might be the one BU now but I can't get precious about this kind of thing at all. IMO these girls are making money out of what god gave them and why would they have the slightest interest in your partner. It's not like the men there haven't seen boobs before. The more you make something taboo, the more he will want it........

WorraLiberty Sat 09-Feb-13 23:24:00

He's got no more control over his brother's stag do having strippers, than you did over the male strippers at the work party you went to.

I think YWBVU to stop him going to his Dbro's stag do.

NewYearNewBoo Sat 09-Feb-13 23:24:27

I think yabvvu, unrealistic and controlling. It is no wonder your dp didn't want to tell you exactly what had happened, he probably knew that you would fly off the deep end at him.

I also have to applaud your double standards!! Surely if your feelings about strippers were to strong you should have called a taxi and left when one turned up at your night out.

WickWackThurso Sat 09-Feb-13 23:25:16

I don't think you can tell him what to do, but there are so many reasons why yanbu to be unhappy with the situation.

Dh has once been on a stag do where they went to a lap dance club. He ot to the door before leaving them to it, and hss recently turned down a stag do invite because a strip club was on the agenda. I was quietly pleased when it transpired that he had emailed and discussed his feminist/moral reasons for declining. Fwiw, it turned out a couple of otgers felt tge same and they are all now going kayaking grin

It sounds to me like distrust is more of an issue here, and trying to control his movements isn't going to fix that.

BarredfromhavingStella Sat 09-Feb-13 23:25:54

YABU & have very unrealistic expectations-you can't seriously be thinking of banning him from his brothers stag do?

Dannilion Sat 09-Feb-13 23:28:35

You say you trusted him before, I doubt that as you interrogated him continuously after his first weekend away.

yaimee Sat 09-Feb-13 23:30:24

Yabu, and I agree with the other posters, your expectations are unrealistic. I don't think he lied because he has done anything wrong, more to save your feelings!

Rockchick1984 Sat 09-Feb-13 23:30:47

I wouldn't be happy about DH going on a stag do where there would be strippers (particularly if he'd lied before about it) however I think you forfeited the right to stop him going when you stayed and watched a male stripper. It can't be one rule for him and one for you hmm

WorraLiberty Sat 09-Feb-13 23:32:30

Do you trust him though OP? I think that's the key question here.

I mean given the fact anyone would have far more chance to cop off with a random clubber than a stripper of either sex...due to the fact strippers are probably hit on all the time.

It's interesting that you said, But his friend having that lap dance upset me, and made me think you can't trust any man, even the ones who seem nice and like they really love their partners

And yet you didn't say it about the women who took their wedding rings off and straddled the male strippers on stage?

That's why I'm wondering if it's more of a personal distrust of your Husband IYSWIM?

AmIthatWintry Sat 09-Feb-13 23:32:57

Sorry OP I think you are BU.

" If he had had a lap dance, I would have broken up with him "

I think that makes you sound either very insecure, or very controlling

Branleuse Sat 09-Feb-13 23:33:13

you sound very controlling and will humiliate him if you tell him he cant go.

Realistically he should probably just either come home or take a back seat when there and not get involved like you did when there were strippers at the event you went to, but it needs to be his decision, not an ultimatum from you.

yaimee Sat 09-Feb-13 23:35:56

Is it about him copping off? Or is it the idea of strippers?

nailak Sat 09-Feb-13 23:38:38

my husband has strong views about these sort of things, so one day when he went out with friends to a restaurant and their ended up being belly dancers there he left the restaurant and waited outside until they were gone.

If you have such strong views about strippers, then why did you stay in the room and watch what was going on on the stage?

if it is wrong for your husband to be in that situation then why is it ok for you to be?

and how can you stop your husband doing anything? you are not his mum.

WorraLiberty Sat 09-Feb-13 23:41:37

Are belly dancers offensive? I thought they had them in family restaurants and all that? Especially Turkish ones?

LilQueenie Sat 09-Feb-13 23:43:47

Hes not the problem because it is you who has the issues. Why did he lie to you? Perhaps because he knew you would react badly. He has a right to attend the stag do. What do you think happens there? Tea parties and girl talk?

WannabeWilloughby Sat 09-Feb-13 23:51:02

YABU, if you trust him it doesn't matter how many naked dancing ladies there are.

Its stag do tradition! Try and relax about it. Be grateful that no bright spark had the idea to visit the 'sights' of Amsterdam! wink Your hubby won't look at these ladies and love you any less. It may not be his cuppa tea but he's gonna be expected to go with the flow.

I hate male strippers, does not do anything for me in the slightest but have been on quite a few nights out where a stripper has been on the bill and I would be really angry and hurt if my DH had banned me from going.

hope it all works out xx

squeakytoy Sat 09-Feb-13 23:54:49

"We got over it and agreed that if there was anything like this again he would tell me the truth and face the music"

face the music? you are his partner, not his parent, and he isnt a child, he is an adult..

stopgap Sat 09-Feb-13 23:57:46

The strippers wouldn't bother me too much, provided it was at a reputable club that didn't offer "extras" behind the scenes. What would concern me are the topless waitresses at the apartment, and I'd wonder if that was a euphemism for escorts. Not to put the wind up you, but I've heard countless tales of escorts in hotel rooms and homes for bachelor parties.

I think you're over-reacting. Your DH has had nothing to do with organising strippers/waitresses, he's just a part of it. I think your issues are with trusting your husband. And you've been to watch a male stripper and that's ok?

I really think you should cut him some slack; he obviously hasn't told you about strippers in the past because he knows what your reaction would be. He's a grown man and can make his own decisions.

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