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to think DD is too old for pocket money?

(166 Posts)
NewPatchesForOld Fri 08-Feb-13 11:14:28

DD1 is now 18. She is at college doing A levels having wasted a year doing a college course which she had no interest in and which, although now qualified, will never use. All her friends either work full time or have part time jobs in McDs, or local shops, or pubs etc...but DD1 just won't work. She says that she has tried to get a job but can't...that there are none around. However I often see jobs advertised in town and come home and tell her but she never applies for them. The local co op advertises loads of jobs but she doesn't want to work locally...McDs is 'beneath her', she won't ask in the pub up the road because 'they deal drugs', she won't take a job in the industry for which she is qualified bcause she hates the work, in short she just won't get off her arse and work.

Now she has asked if I will give her 'pocket money'. When I said I couldn't afford it she got really irate, she needs money, it's not her fault she can't get a job, as she can't get a job it's mine to fund her life...I have just finished paying out hundreds for her driving lessons resulting in me not having any spare money at all for myself or treats for the other Dcs, I'm a single mum and live literally hand to mouth some weeks.

She wants the money so she can go out drinking (I can't afford to do this myself), and get tattoos...she already has 2.

I was working from the age of 14, and frankly I think she should be embarrassed to be asking for pocket money at her age.

But AIBU?

CloudsAndTrees Fri 08-Feb-13 11:16:24

No, YANBU. Just don't give her any money.

If you do, she will never get off her arse and get a job, so you would actually be doing her a massive disservice if you do give her money.

Eebahgum Fri 08-Feb-13 11:18:00

No, YANBU. Your daughter needs to grow up & start taking responsibility for herself. Buy her necessities, like clothes, but if she wants money for drinking or tattoos she should get off her backside & earn it herself. X

mumblechum1 Fri 08-Feb-13 11:18:53

I stopped giving DS once he started working PT. I do top him up from time to time but the basic, every day stuff he pays for himself.

Your dd has no incentive whatsoever to try and get a job! I think I'd say that when I see her post 10 job applications within a week, you'll give her £20. For every week she keeps trying you'll pay her but if her applications drop off the money stops.

NewPatchesForOld Fri 08-Feb-13 11:19:18

clouds that's what I think too. She will have no incentive to work if I fund her social life. My DS is 16 in a couple of weeks and chomping at the bit to work - he will do anything, labouring, bar work, fast food...he wants his independence and also to not have to ask me to pay for anything. I'm hoping that if he gets a job it will make her want to do the same when she sees him coming home with a pay packet. I get so mad when she says it's my job, my duty, to give her money!

Thumbwitch Fri 08-Feb-13 11:19:36

God, no.

No money for her without her working for it. I had my first job at 15 and worked non-stop, throughout University (saturdays and holidays only though) until we emigrated to Australia when I was 42.

Be strong about this! You will be doing her no favours at all to give her handouts. And hide whatever money/valuables you do have so that she doesn't resort to stealing them.

Can't believe she's so workshy, honestly!

ohfunnyhoneyface Fri 08-Feb-13 11:20:35

Of course you are not unreasonable!

How did she become so entitled??

I can't believe you paid for her driving lessons!

At 18 she needs to be self sufficient, if anything, she should be contributing to the household costs.

Refuse to give her money. Be firm, if you aren't, you're only damage her further in the long run.

YouOldSlag Fri 08-Feb-13 11:20:49

You sound like you are doing a good job. Don't give her any money or you will take away her incentive. She needs to suffer a bit before the penny will drop and she will get off her arse and get a job.

At that age I was at uni but I still had weekend jobs and summer jobs and even a Saturday job. I never went to my parents once I was 18.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Fri 08-Feb-13 11:21:14

If she wants money so badly she'll at least look for a job and take almost anything that is offered to her, within reason. YANBU, if she wants money she needs to earn it.

Ashoething Fri 08-Feb-13 11:21:26

YANBU to expect your dd to try and knuckle down to something-be it education or work. But I think you do have to remember that she is only 18-thats still very young.

I was a bit like her at 18 tbh-I didnt get into the uni I wanted so took a year out,went on the dole and spent most of the time going out clubbing,partying with friends. My mum would give me cash and buy me clothes although she did eventually get fed up with it!

I was a very immature 18 year old looking back now and I also had self esteem issues and depression so it wasnt as simple as me being lazy/feckless.

I would explain to your dd that you cannot continue to fund her lifestyle but that you will always be their for her emotionally. Hopefully within the next couple of years she will mature a lot and get on with her life.

ReallyTired Fri 08-Feb-13 11:21:31

I don't give my eleven year old pocket money. He earns pocket money singing at weddings. Admitally this is very unusual. His cousins who are the same age earn their pocket money by doing extra chores or gardening.

I think you are right not to give her pocket money. She has to learn that money does not grow on trees.

Thumbwitch Fri 08-Feb-13 11:21:41

ah xposted - I'm sorry, she's 18, yes? Age of responsibility and all that? No longer your "duty" to keep her fed, clothed, or even housed, let along support her social life because she's too bone idle and "entitled" to do it herself.

Of course most parents will still feed clothe and house their DC after the age of 18 if necessary - but not because they have to!

HollyBerryBush Fri 08-Feb-13 11:22:44

She's 18? tell her to sign on! they'll soon send her off on a course and find her a job she really wont like! that will galvinise her into shifting her butt

NewPatchesForOld Fri 08-Feb-13 11:23:05

Mumblechum the problem is also that I just can't afford it, and if I give her money I have to give it to the other 2 also.

She told me yesterday that she wants to give her friend £40 towards a tattoo for her birthday, I asked where she was going to get the money form and she said from me giving her money!!! I'm buggered if I'm going to go without so she can pay for her mate to have a bloody tattoo!!! her mate works full time!

I buy her clothes when she needs them, I buy her toiletries, I buy her make up when she runs out...but to pee it up against a wall???

Eebahgum Fri 08-Feb-13 11:24:27

Think if my ds told me it was "my duty" to give him pocket money I'd be digging my heels in even harder. Tell her she's lucky you put food on the table & a roof over her head when she's old enough to stand on her own two feet. X

HecateWhoopass Fri 08-Feb-13 11:25:32

No. She should get a job to fund her social life.

She's in full time education. You are supporting her by feeding her, keeping a roof over her head, clothing her, etc.

To ask her to do some work to pay for her bloody booze is very little!

She can get a cleaning job for a few hours a week. There are many people who employ someone to clean their house.

HecateWhoopass Fri 08-Feb-13 11:27:03

And at the end of the day - if your answer is no, what can she do? Steal from you? If she does, then that's a call to the police!

She has to work. She can tantrum like a 5 year old if she wants, but when she's finished sulking, she'll still need to work.

It's a good lesson you'll be giving her.

MaccyDs may be "beneath her" but it has one of the best management training schemes in the UK.

It's obvious she is too old for pocket money and she needs to get out and do a job. Of course she wants you to fund her lifestyle, that doesn't mean you should. I can't believe she has the cheek to ask for money for drink and tattoos!

Has she no pride in herself?

I was working from 14/15 and my DD who has just turned 3 has been earning money by helping her dad sort out aluminium cans for recycling.

littlewhitebag Fri 08-Feb-13 11:29:53

If you can't afford it then you can't give her any money and she will have to earn it herself. I assume you keep her fed and a roof over her head. If she has no money i also assume you buy her toiletries, make up etc too? If so then she is getting all she needs. Extras have to be earned.

My DD who is 15 gets pocket money but from that she has to buy her own toiletries, make up, magazines etc. She also has to do chores to earn the pocket money.

Keep refusing her money and eventually she will get herself a job.

CartedOff Fri 08-Feb-13 11:30:37

You should stop buying her makeup and clothes tbh- I bet she'd get off her bum sharpish if she knew you weren't going to be funding luxuries like that and definitely weren't going to give her money.

She sounds incredibly entitled. Don't give in!

NewPatchesForOld Fri 08-Feb-13 11:31:00

Gosh, this is moving fast!

She can't sign on as she is at college, although that is only 4 days a week, and 2 of those days are only 3 hours each. Her attendance was 52% up til last week! Now it's gone up to 56%. She will decide she is too tired to go into college, and when I tell her she has to go she tells me it is no longer my job to tell her to go as she is 18!!!

I made a big mistake paying for her driving lessons...I really shouldn't have as it nearly crippled me. That was £33 per week which is a hell of a lot of money for me. I di tell her that if she didn't pass first time that she was on her own with paying for the rest but she did pass, so it wasn't an issue but in hindsight it was the wrong thing to do.

I went into town with her in November so she could look for a xmas job. However, despite there being loads advertised she applied for one, and when I told her to go into a card shop to apply for the one in the window she literally stamped her feet, saying she didn't want to work in some boring crappy shop!

Bwa ha ha ha tell your dd to get off her arse! My pocket money was stopped when I got a paper round at 13. I got a job in a cafe at 15 and was working in a care home when I was 16 and worked there throughout sixth form. Tell her to grow up. It shouldn't even be a question. You can't afford it and you don't want to. No is a complete sentence. Every time she brings it up just say. I've said no to giving you money. Go get a job. And repeat.

I'd also stop buying her clothes and make up. They are luxuries and if she wants them she can get a job to buy them herself. My mum would never have bought me make up or clothes once I was 18. She's an adult technically

CloudsAndTrees Fri 08-Feb-13 11:34:40

Stop buying her clothes. She is fully grown now, it's not like she is growing out of clothes any more, so she doesn't need anything new. She can wear the things she wore in the same weather last year.

She doesn't need make up if she doesn't need to make herself look presentable for job interviews and work, so stop buying that as well.

She barely even needs her own toiletries, and the things that she does need can be bought from the pound shops. Don't let her choose what brand of deodorant/toothpaste/shampoo she gets, she will have to make do with what's cheap.

Choice is a luxury that has to be paid for.

YouOldSlag Fri 08-Feb-13 11:35:17

Your DD sounds very fussy about jobs! It's kind of traditional that your first job will be a bit rubbish, but it teaches you humility and hard work and there is no feeling like making your own money.

She'll take a job in a "crappy card shop" when she's gone without for long enough! Stand your ground and don't budge.

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