RE 11yo DD's hair-do?

(156 Posts)
NoonarAgain Fri 25-Jan-13 12:43:27

I am feeling dreadful because I got cross with 11 yo DD today and want to ask if IABU.

We were rushing for school and I called out to ask if DD was ready to go, she then emerged wearing some plastic ear rings, a sparkly head band and a massive high pony tail sprouting out of the top of her head. (Now, I like children to dress like children and really hate a lot of the precocious fashions marketed at young girls.) I have probably made the look sound quite comical but she looked really cheap sad and tbh it gave me rather a shock.

So... rather than explaining calmly why I wanted her to re do her hair etc, I shouted saying she looked a fright and did she want to look like a rough teenager etc etc. I am a bit ashamed of how I dealt with it tbh, but was so taken aback by how my little girl looked sad.

Now, I know that I handled it badly, so I am NOT asking AIBU to have got cross, because I know that I was wrong. BUT... was I wrong to make her re do her hairstyle because of concern about how it made her look?

FeckOffCup Fri 25-Jan-13 13:42:18

It is a tough one, it's something I'm dreading when my DD gets old enough to want to wear make up and experiment with fashion. It's easy to say pick your battles but it's only now I have a DD that I understand why my mum wasn't thrilled with the crop tops, hair dye and belly piercing in my teens. I want my DD to have nice clothes that are fashionable and won't make her a bullying target but I don't want her walking around looking like a little tart in a few years.

LaQueen Fri 25-Jan-13 13:43:41

'Mocking should never come from a care-giver'

Christ we'd better sign our DDs up with a Child Psychiatrist without delay - both DH and I do a fine line in dry, satirical observation where the DDs are concerned.

Both seem remarkably unphased and very sunny natured, nevertheless smile

Meemawandmoonpie Fri 25-Jan-13 13:46:30

Why not take her shopping at the weekend, go to somewhere which wouldnt make your daughter look older than she is. Buy her some cheap ish make up, pretty hair accessories and have a make over night. May be that she will see you accept her growing up (even if you don't) and you get the satisfaction of her wearing something you would approve of.

In terms of BU or not, shouting, yes Was BU, but you're thoughts and initial shock wasn't BU. I too hate the early sexualisation of kids nowadays. I don't have kids yet, but my niece is 12 and I just caught her bopping along to Nicki Minaj... The Uncensored version. I wasn't happy about it, but what can I do, my sister is her mom after all.

Hope it works out.

NoonarAgain Fri 25-Jan-13 13:47:52

feck, exactly.

eg an outfit from dd's winter wardrobe she has leather brown boots, stone coloured cords and a long arun cardigan and a fashionable checked scarf. there is so much 'tarty' kids clothing around.

NoonarAgain Fri 25-Jan-13 13:50:17

Meema, thanks, but actually, my dd really doesnt want to grow up sad she actually says that she doesnt want to get older and wants to stay little like her sis. i think that has a lot to do with worries about puberty, which we talk very openly about and i try my best to reassure her.

DialsMavis Fri 25-Jan-13 13:51:01

Ugggghhh to use of the word chav and posters actively encouraging their DC to use the term. I would not be able to help myself judging parents and children who use that term, totally déclassé IMO.

I understand your point though. My DS is 10 and would love to wear sportswear all the time, it is not a look I like and despite fitting in at school he sticks out like a sore thumb where we live.

I don't allow him to wear items not allowed at school to school, i.e. trainers. Although half the time he comes our wearing his hideous neon and silver astro turf trainers. If we are going out for the day or for a meal then I give him a choice of what to wear from his "good" clothes. If we are going to the park he can wear what he likes. I wouldn't use the word common as I personally would rather he didn't judge other people or think less of them if they look common despite obviously being somewhat guilty of this myself. It isn't a trait I want to encourage in my DC.

My DD is only 2, but I can imagine the issue of precociousness is worse with girls and I do prefer to see children dressed as children.
DD is only

Fillybuster Fri 25-Jan-13 13:51:49

I totally understand your reaction, but wonder if it might be a better approach to go with a 'oh, i like what you've done with your hair, but I think its a bit wonky. come over here and I'll do it again for you'....then you can a) straighten it out and b) make it a bit lower if you want. then perhaps gently question whether the earrings are allowed for school....

I'm dreading my dds hitting this stage. fwiw, you didn't do anything 'wrong' and I'm sure you'll sort it out with your dd.

NoonarAgain Fri 25-Jan-13 13:52:17

obv i realise that's what she 'says', but feelings are complex arent they. am just saying that the 'why dont you let me grow up, i'm 11 yo!' isnt a conversation that takes place in our house. its usually me reassuring her about growing up!

NoonarAgain Fri 25-Jan-13 13:58:22

sorry, slow typing!

dialsmavis, i totally agree. and the words tarty, common, chav, cheap are words that i DO NOT use with my dc as I do not want them to use those terms. i used them on this thread merely to help conjure up a mental image!

i did however, say 'rough teenager' and said it is not a 'quality look', among other things.

NoonarAgain Fri 25-Jan-13 14:00:49

and Meema, your post was very kindly meant but the idea of buying make up for my dd as a gesture to show her that i realise she is growing up makes me sad

DialsMavis Fri 25-Jan-13 14:01:40

I have said 'rough' to DS once or twice too, it seems the least judgy sounding and offensive than the the other options to me!

NoonarAgain Fri 25-Jan-13 14:04:05

i agree with 'rough' there is a certain ambiguity about the word that means it has a slightly less derogatory/ judgemental feel to it.

PessaryPam Fri 25-Jan-13 14:04:59

I'm with you OP. Has her friendship group changed recently?

shine0ncrazydiamond Fri 25-Jan-13 14:05:10

What a fuss about nothing.

She looked a fright, you didn't like it. correct response is ' you're not going out looking like THAT so change please ' and that's the end of it.

Or must we hand wring over this?

Sounds normal behaviour for an 11 year old to me.

BinkyWinky Fri 25-Jan-13 14:06:35

I think you need to relax- it's a ponytail. How nasty some of you are!

Narked Fri 25-Jan-13 14:07:43

Would she have been allowed to wear the earrings and hairband at school?

NoonarAgain Fri 25-Jan-13 14:09:05

shineon, the hand wringing comes from me knowing that i've upset dd and feeling bad.

the debate is about whether or not we are right to try influence our children's clothing choices/ appearance, out of concern for how they are presenting themselves to the world.

seems a worthwhile discussion to me.

NoonarAgain Fri 25-Jan-13 14:10:21

binky, who was nasty?

BinkyWinky Fri 25-Jan-13 14:11:25

Was your daughter going to catch a cold because she had a ponytail in? No. Was she going to be tooted at by drivers? No.

I can understand where you are coming from had she turned up in a tiny skirt. You're just being a snob.

shine0ncrazydiamond Fri 25-Jan-13 14:12:19

OP - well, yes. We are right to tell them what they can and can't or should and shouldn't wear. That's the job of a parent.

piprabbit Fri 25-Jan-13 14:12:29

When I was about 12yo and experimenting with lipstick for the first time, my DMum reacted with shock, laughter and telling me that my lips looked huge.
It only happened the once. With hindsight, I probably gave her a similar shock as the one that the OPs DD gave her.
But 30 years later I still don't feel comfortable wearing lipstick, I think people will think I look bizarre.
FWIW my lips are perfectly average.

Please step very lightly when talking to young teens about their experiments.

Narked Fri 25-Jan-13 14:13:33

'the debate is about whether or not we are right to try influence our children's clothing choices/ appearance, out of concern for how they are presenting themselves to the world.'

You see I thought it was a discussion about how you handled things with your daughter...

NoonarAgain Fri 25-Jan-13 14:14:33

binky, yes i am being a snob. is that ALWAYS wrong?

Crawling Fri 25-Jan-13 14:16:53

I think YABU sorry I think at your dd age she should be allowed to experiment with how she looks if you cant do it when your young when can you? As long as its not permanent or tarty e.g high heels short skirt then leave her alone. I dont think ywbu about the earrings though but a major overeaction to a headband and a higher than youd like ponytail IMO you should have let her wair her hair like it its not the end of the world and at her age she should be given more freedom over her appearance imo.

NoonarAgain Fri 25-Jan-13 14:16:59

um... actually wait a minute binky. i agree that not wanting dd to look common was snobbery. BUT she actually looked a bit tarty sad surely it's not snobbery to dislike that?

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