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Dilemma - report to police or not.

(115 Posts)
findingmymarbles Tue 29-Jan-13 23:14:34

Posted in Chat before, as I wanted it to disappear, but two weeks on I'm a bit better and would like honest opinions.

I split up with OH of 3 years before Christmas. There was an OW, who moved in as I moved out.

Due to the nature of both my job and his, our paths are inevitably going to cross, unless I considerably change my lifestyle and career path.

After moving out on the 13th of December, and subsequently finding out about OW I was in a bit of a mess. However, I picked myself up and began a freelance business related to what XOH and I did.

Two weeks ago I got a job that involved going onto a property that OH owned. In the interest of being a grown up, and also knowing that if OH chose he could have taken the job on himself I rang him and a) asked his permission to be on his property and b) explained to him what I'd be doing.

At this point I assumed I'd be dealing with a rational person. I was quite wrong. When I arrived on the property, before anyone could see me arrive he came across the yard, caught me by the hair and dragged me into a shed, where he fondled my breasts while watching out of the window in case anyone was watching.

I was asking him what he was doing, telling him to let me go, etc, but because he had been my best friend for 3 years I thought if I reasoned with him it would be ok. When he ascertained that there was nobody to see him, he dragged me by the hair into his house, pressed my face against the wall and told me to take my shoes off. I did, but kept saying, what are you doing, let go.

He then picked me up by the end of my plait and the back of my jeans, which hurt quite a lot, and carried me upstairs. He pinned me on the bed, and the whole time I was saying, get off, get off, and fighting, and wriggling. He had my fringe pinned to the bed, so my head was back, and was lying on my legs so couldn't move. He was trying to kiss me and to get his hands in my trousers, but didn't have enough hands to pin me down and get my clothes off. The whole time I was saying get off.

When he realised I was not giving in, several minutes later, he let me go and I ran out of the house.

There is no physical damage, no witnesses, it is my word against his. So shoulod I report?

OldLadyKnowsNothing Tue 29-Jan-13 23:20:55

I think I saw your first thread, and my opinion now is the same as then; this was a sexual assault, even attempted rape.

But as I said then (and got slagged for it), you know that this is a "he said, she said" situation and you are unlikely to get a conviction if you report.

However, if you're feeling stronger now, do report; at the very least he'll have a chat with a couple of uniformed bobbies and maybe taken into the police station. It may put the frighteners on him.

But only you know how he's likely to react to that, some people would learn a lesson, others would take revenge. And if you're going to have to be alone with him again...

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 29-Jan-13 23:23:52

yes you should report. He is a potential rapist at worst and a bloody idiot at best who needs a short sharp shock.

report. You will be believed.

izzyizin Tue 29-Jan-13 23:34:46

You will be believed, but be prepared for it not to go much further than you reporting the incident as it's unlikely that any prosecution will ensue as offences of this nature are rarely witnessed by others and are therefore notoriously difficult to prove.

findingmymarbles Tue 29-Jan-13 23:38:13

I understand there is little to no chance of a conviction. The he-said she-said aspect, no witnesses, no actual injuries.

I also know that I will see him again. This is not something I can avoid, unless I change my friends and my career. I will do everything I can not to be alone with him again.

My worry is that reporting this for no reasonable end will just be seen as malicious. I KNOW I have been sexually assaulted. I feel violated, and a very good male friend made a gentle joke about what happened and I was horrified and slightly frightened in a way that I haven't felt when my female friends have made similar comments.

Can you report something and have it logged, but not press charges, so if it happens again to anyone it can be recorded?

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 29-Jan-13 23:41:03

yes. you can report and not go ahead with anything more.

tbh as izzy says - it would be hard to prove and unlikely to go anywhere but im sure the officer would talk through things with you and make you aware of everything.

why not ask for an informal chat with an officer who can just go through your options.

LineRunner Tue 29-Jan-13 23:41:43

You posted about this before.

I still think you need to go and give a statement to the Police.

Maybe have a chat with the local police DV unit? When you were still in a relationship with this shitbag, did you ever call the police on him? I think it's very likely that he has done this sort of thing before and, unfortunately, I think it's possible that he may try to attack you again, so logging the incident is probably a good idea. And if he has form (ie other women have complained about him) he might well get a visit from the police and a sharp word, even if it doesn't come to court - and I'm afraid it's very unlikely to get to court this time because of the reasons you've stated. But his card needs to be marked.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

FlipFlopFloss Tue 29-Jan-13 23:45:57

How awful for you.

I think you should report. It may put him off trying anything like this again (with you or anyone else) and god forbid it does happen again or any other form of abuse or intimidation - this will have been logged, thus maybe helping any further issues.

Thumbwitch Tue 29-Jan-13 23:49:04

Regardless of the sexual nature of it, you have been assaulted - he has pulled your hair, manhandled you etc. - the sexual thing might be harder to prove but FGS - what an utter bastard!

Yes, report him. And yes, make sure you're never alone with him again. God alone knows what his motivation was, unless it was to show you that you are still in his power. What a cock!

extracrunchy Tue 29-Jan-13 23:49:24

Absolutely definitely report. And never speak to him again. This was attempted rape and totally unacceptable.

sparklyjumper Tue 29-Jan-13 23:50:06

I'm sorry he did that to you. I think you have to report it regardless of the outcome because he is likely to do this again but go even further next time.

findingmymarbles Tue 29-Jan-13 23:55:11

I am pretty much decided. Going to take a friend with me tomorrow and at least report it. He's trouble in so many ways, and as someone who has always been invincible, if he can do this to me he can do this to anyone.

LineRunner Tue 29-Jan-13 23:58:26

Well done.

extracrunchy Tue 29-Jan-13 23:59:32

Proud of you!

Thumbwitch Wed 30-Jan-13 00:00:49

Good for you - it needs to be done.

FlipFlopFloss Wed 30-Jan-13 00:03:06

Good luck for tomorrow and well done for being so brave.

izzyizin Wed 30-Jan-13 00:05:58

Even though it's unlikely to result in his arrest/trial, IMO you should report his assault on you as there are currently renewed intiatives for police authorities to record all such incidents and share them with other forces.

Regardless of whether you were still together, or your relationship had ended and he'd taken up with an ow at the time of the incident, reporting a matter of this nature can lead to the polarisation of existing friends, some of whom may be persuaded that you acted out of malice.

It's an unfortunate truth that reporting a sexual offence perpetrated by a person who is not a stranger to you can be a quick route to finding out who your true friends are.

izzyizin Wed 30-Jan-13 00:10:43

Are you planning to simply turn up at a police station with your friend with the intention of reporting him?

If so, I strongly advise you to abandon this plan and call your regional police authority's Sex Offences Unit to make an appointment either for specially trained officer to call on you, or for you to attend their premises at a given date/time.

tribpot Wed 30-Jan-13 00:13:52

It sounds absolutely terrifying, and awful, OP. Please do report him.

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 30-Jan-13 00:23:41

phone and talk to someone about it - i guess it depends on how far you want to take it.

if you gave a statement he could potentially be arrested and interviewed. or he could be asked to attend for interview as a volunteer to avoid arrest.

could be a wake up call though that he cant just do whatever he likes.

talk it through with an officer and make an informed decision.

izzyizin Wed 30-Jan-13 00:30:35

If you make a statement, it's possible he'll be arrested 'on suspicion of commiting x offence', taken to a police station, interviewed and, unless makes an admission of guilt, bailed by the police to reappear on a given date.

In the interim the file will be passed to the Crown Prosecution Service who will make a decision as to whether he is to be prosecuted, with all that entails.

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 30-Jan-13 00:35:08

i reckon he would be asked to attend for interview as a volunteer and not bailed....

yes it would probably go to CPS who would probably not run it due to lack of evidence.

but.
it would give him an experience of being put into an interview room, and asked uncomfortable questions, asked to account for his actions.

its not likely to go anywhere. i will say that now.

but he may think twice about doing it again - it would inconvenience him if nothing else. and make him accountable.

Lueji Wed 30-Jan-13 01:26:53

I agree you should report it.

He could try it on with you again, and should you need it (no contact order, whatever appropriate) it will be on record.

And he'll know that he can't mess with you.

Yes, some "friends" may not believe you, but you don't need such "friends".

Stay safe.

izzyizin Wed 30-Jan-13 06:10:18

Whether he's summarily arrested or requested to attend an interview, he's unlikely to enjoy the experience and, particularly if he encounters a police officer who has the knack of turning suspects' legs to jelly, it's probable he will think twice before assaulting another woman.

For this reason alone you'll be performing a public service if you report his attack on you and I hope you'll come back with an update soon.

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