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I find my DH so rude, I just don't see how I am going to be able to live with this for the rest of our lives

(76 Posts)
timeismoney Sun 27-Jan-13 20:40:56

Maybe this sounds like a small thing but I just find my DH so rude at times, and it is impossible to ever get him to see or apologise when he's been rude as he just dismisses me with a 'whatever' or accuses me of the same behaviour when I haven't done anything remotely similar.

We have issues with our 4 year old and rude behaviour from her atm, yet DH doesn't seem to see that he models behaviour to her and that if he is rude to us she will pick up on it and see it as normal.

For example, after lunch today our 4 yr old asked if she could help tidy up and he told her to "get out of it" and "jog on". When I tried to point out to him that perhaps she's rude because he speaks to her in that way he did his usual passive-aggressive door-slamming "whatever" refusing to discuss it even when I try to discuss it with him rationally.

Our two year old now walks around saying "shut up, whatever" if someone says or does something she doesn't like.

Yesterday I went to the shops and bought a 6 pack of soft drink. Dh is sitting there this evening drinking one and then goes to the kitchen so I ask him to get one. He replies that it's the last one and he's just about to have it. I ask him very politely if I could have it as I haven't had any of them (he's drunk 5 in the last 2 days) and he's just had one and he chucks it down on the table, slams the door, sits in his chair and turns the telly up.

I try to speak to him about it, to try and explain my point of view "whatever" turns telly up.

I literally can't communicate with the man and I hate the affect the way he is is having on our dc.

tribpot Sun 27-Jan-13 20:49:10

I think rudeness is the wrong way to characterise the problem you have.

Your DH appears to have no respect for you or your(his) children. My guess is he doesn't talk to his bosses in this offhand 'WTF do you know?' kind of way.

Has he always been like this? I can't imagine how you could live like this. Or why you would want to. It's already affecting the behaviour of your children.

timeismoney Sun 27-Jan-13 20:52:38

He hasn't always been this bad, no.

Tbh, I think he does talk to people at work like this. Certainly I know he shouts and swears and loses his temper at work as I know this from anecdotes he tells me.

KatyTheCleaningLady Sun 27-Jan-13 20:57:44

This guy has an anger problem. He may be depressed or something, since you say he wasn't always this way.

timeismoney Sun 27-Jan-13 21:01:18

Yes, he does seem to fly off the handle a lot. It's like there's no middle ground between him being ordinary and something pissing him off...like, that middle stage where something is annoying you but you stay calm and try to suck it up - the bit that most people seem to go through before they get properly cross, seems to be missing.

StretchVelvet Sun 27-Jan-13 21:03:35

I really feel for you OP. This isn't a small thing at all.
My exH was very much like this, I couldn't have a conversation with him about anything. Instead of 'whatever' , I'd get 'subject closed' and he'd just repeat that over and over as I tried to talk.
As Katy suggested, your DH may have anger problems. That was at the root of my DH's behaviour.
If your DH is prepared to do the work to change (ie he wants to change) there is hope. But otherwise, I don't think you can live like this. I couldn't and we ended up divorced even though he kept promising to make changes, he didn't actually do anything about it.
If feel for your DC too.

It's not justfiable, but has he been under a lot of stress, could that have made him worse ? (again he should learn to manage his behaviour, but I'm just wondering)

timeismoney Sun 27-Jan-13 21:10:22

He has been stressed with work. We were both stressed when the dc were younger.

His work has been easier since christmas though, but it's like we're in a pattern where he does or says something which I find really offensive - I don't just put up with it and try to explain why I find it unpleasant and he goes off on one about how I'm alway 'nagging' or 'telling him' off, or else it will be 'you do that/did that too' even though I haven't.

I have no idea if he'd be prepared to work on it, since he won't have a conversation with me sad

NoraLuca Sun 27-Jan-13 21:10:39

Is he like this absolutely all the time, or would it be possible to find a moment when you could have a conversation with him? Does he not get into trouble at work for the swearing and shouting? I agree with Tribpot it does seem like a lack of respect.

ClaudiaSchiffer Sun 27-Jan-13 21:10:43

Timeismoney he sounds awful. Just completely depressing and rude and hard work. As stretchvelvet asks is there anything that's changed in his life or do you think he's got complacent, lazy and angry and just doesn't think you're worth being nice to anymore?

In which case he's an absolute shitbag and needs to get his priorities sorted out. Perhaps he needs a big shock from you - lay it on the line that his behavour is NOT acceptable to you or the kids, or you're out of there.

Good luck - don't let it go on too long though, as this kind of rude dismissive behaviour is very destructive and very bad for your children.

ClaudiaSchiffer Sun 27-Jan-13 21:11:53

Oh soz, crossed post.

timeismoney Sun 27-Jan-13 21:19:28

He isn't like it all the time, to be fair. But when he is it's just impossible to communicate with him about why the behaviour is upsetting.

I've never had a problem standing up for myself, tbh. But it's now making me to start to doubt myself - I'm sitting here thinking, perhaps he had a point and it was perfectly fine for him to drink all the drinks without letting me have them. His POV will be that he got there first, therefore it's fair game.

This is a whole separate issue, really, a lack of consideration/selfish streak. He behaves in ways that I would never dream of behaving, but seems to think it's fair game. I think this is partly his upbringing, tbh.

Lostonthemoors Sun 27-Jan-13 21:20:31

I would find that very hard sad. I think it's very easy to get into bad habits in relationships.

Is he unfailingly polite and nice to anyone in his life at the moment?

NomNomDePlumPudding Sun 27-Jan-13 21:22:12

i think you need to make it clear to him that you will not tolerate it, and that you will leave if he doesn't get his act otgether and start behaving like a civilised human being. it's extremely bad for your children to have this sort of aggressive disrespect for other people modelled as normal behaviour, it is really undermining for them to have a parent who is not reliably kind to them and to their other parent. and it must utterly suck for you.

timeismoney Sun 27-Jan-13 21:27:22

I don't know if he's polite to anyone else, tbh. He is pretty dismissive of his parents though makes some effort. But they will drive 2. 5 hours to visit and unless I am here to make them drinks he won't offer them one, which drives me mad.

He has got better at this - but will off to make them a cup of tea and not bother asking me if I want one. Then bite my head off when I ask why he didn't make me one while was making theirs (I have never turned down a cup of tea in my life and he knows this!)

timeismoney Sun 27-Jan-13 21:29:03

Sorry, that didn't make much sense. He used to never offer them a drink, then has improved in the last 6 months or so.

But he willll not make one for me while he's at it. It's like it would never occur to him to do something for me without being asked?

timeismoney Sun 27-Jan-13 21:30:30

But then if I do ask him to do something for me he will huff and sigh and roll his eyes and not actually give an answer. Then when I ask if he is able to do it or not I get an exasperated "yes!" it's like everything is a huge effort to be polite to me.

And yes I am very worried about the effect on our DC. That is my main concern.

meditrina Sun 27-Jan-13 21:31:27

'since he won't have a conversation with me'

This is the real problem, I think. Has he always been like this, or can you think of a time when he changed?

Spero Sun 27-Jan-13 21:33:34

It isn't a small thing and your children are picking it up. I would try one last time to get him to talk about what is bothering him, what changes can be made etc. But if he really won't talk about it, you've got some difficult decisions to make about the way forward. I honestly don't think I could bear more than a few weeks of this kind of behaviour, particularly not if my children were copying it.

It does scream a lack of respect and care for you, which is worrying.

timeismoney Sun 27-Jan-13 21:34:27

Meditrina - somewhere in the last two years or so, I think. He started his (more stressful) job around 2 years ago. Also, our 2.7 yr old was a terrible sleeper between 6months and 2 yrs and this had a very detrimental affect on all of us as we were so exhausted.

timeismoney Sun 27-Jan-13 21:35:04

Meditrina - somewhere in the last two years or so, I think. He started his (more stressful) job around 2 years ago. Also, our 2.7 yr old was a terrible sleeper between 6months and 2 yrs and this had a very detrimental effect on all of us as we were so exhausted.

timeismoney Sun 27-Jan-13 21:37:45

If DH and I weren't together DH would still have access to the DC, and it would be without me being there. So they would still be on the receiving end of this crap.

How can I sort that one? I can't, can I?

NoraLuca Sun 27-Jan-13 21:41:10

You were NOT being unreasonable re. the drinks. If nothing else, he could have poured half into a glass and you could have shared. That's a bad sign I think, you are starting to doubt yourself even though you are in the right. If this situation carries on there is a risk that you will get used to the rudeness and not notice it anymore, even if there is an underlying reason for his behaviour he needs pulling up on it right now while you still get angry about it.

NomNomDePlumPudding Sun 27-Jan-13 21:43:17

no you can't change his behaviour by leaving him, if that's what you do, but your DC would know that it's not acceptable behaviour because you would not accept it, and at least they would not be living with it constantly.

TheCrackFox Sun 27-Jan-13 21:50:59

Do you actually think he even likes you?

Spero Sun 27-Jan-13 21:51:09

Agree, you can't change him by leaving him, but by staying you give the message to your children that you accept or even condone this kind of behaviour. And that can't be right.

Agree the right response would have been to share the drink.

I believe that how you approach the 'little' things in life says an awful lot about you in every aspect of your life. But treating your partner with such persistant disrespect is no way a 'little' thing.

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