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Staying friends with OW

(50 Posts)
annie752 Wed 12-Dec-12 01:46:31

Can I just check the general opinion to make sure I am not going mad? If you DH had an affair and you found out and you were both meant to be making it work and going to counselling and they said they loved you and would do anything to keep you would it be acceptable to continue to have contact with OW? (above and beyond what is necessary on a professional level at work)

deleted203 Wed 12-Dec-12 01:50:23

You're not going mad. But your DH is a complete arsehole if he thinks he can have an affair, beg his wife to forgive him, and then expect her to meekly say, 'of course dear, no problem' if he intends to carry on having contact with the OW. And if he works with her professionally I would personally be expecting him to accept that one of the things he'd fucked up was his ability to remain with that firm after shagging a colleague. His CV would be re-written and doing the rounds if he were my DH. A job with a different company would be one of my conditions to continuing the marriage, I'm afraid.

NatashaBee Wed 12-Dec-12 02:00:24

No, not acceptable. Have you discussed it with your counsellor?

izzyizin Wed 12-Dec-12 02:15:24

As the answer to your second question is 'absolutely not', the answer to your first is that you are very definitely not going mad.

annie752 Wed 12-Dec-12 02:21:24

I don't think he realises I know. But I think he would say they are just friends. I think if I asked he would say that he would not speak to her any more. But then he said that when I found out about the affair. I don't know if it is worth even saying anything. I don't want him to go and I want it to work and I think it is fixable- even I can see that things are so much better than before he had the affair and I get times when it all feels so good again. It just hurts. And everything feels so much of an effort even 6 months down the line because we are both exhausted from no sleep with 2 DCs.

I agree that no contact (beyond whatever is necessary for work) is a fair thing for you to ask.

EdithWeston Wed 12-Dec-12 02:48:55

No contact is the only basis, and so should moving job. In the current economic conditions, that might prove impossible in the short term but it should be under active consideration.

ErikNorseman Wed 12-Dec-12 06:56:17

My H tried to 'stay friends' with the OW. (He felt guilty towards her)
Guess how it made me feel? Like her feelings were more important than mine. Because they were, really. He held my feelings in such low regard that he couldn't even cut out someone he had only known for a month.
I dumped him...

pausingforbreath Wed 12-Dec-12 07:46:04

No, not acceptable. At all.
Too painfull for anyone to move on properly ( out of the 3 of you) if nearly every day contact exists between them.
The OW in my case left h's company after the affair was revealed to me and he choose to finish it with her.
They had discussion, decided one had to leave - she job hunted and left.
It all became a lot less ' emotional' when she did all round.
Good luck.

Abitwobblynow Wed 12-Dec-12 07:51:48

It is totally unacceptable. You CANNOT go back from being 'lover's to 'platonic friends'.

It also means that he has not got the depth of the damage he has caused, and it means that he is still trying to organise things 'his way' and to meet his needs.

It really means that the triangle is still going (and she is meeting needs of his, that he SHOULD be bringing back to the marriage and opening up to you about).

Ultimately, it means the affair is still ongoing, sorry.

How did you find out?

Slippersox Wed 12-Dec-12 08:45:45

No Annie you are not going mad and I would have been dreadfully upset if DH had maintained any kind of relationship with OW.Her number was off his phone the night I found out.Fortunately he didn't work with her directly, but knew her through work but he immediately re-organised his schedule so he could avoid her completely.Anything less for me and his bags would have been on the drive.
Ironically now I cross paths with her.We work in related industries and that stirs up a well of emotions if I let it, but I've had amazing support from two work friends who know what happened.
Agree with Edith in the current economy new jobs are not always available but he should be actively doing all he can to make that happen.And there's no such thing as 'just friends' when they've a history of betraying your trust and causing such enormous hurt IMO.Best of luck and hope he sees sense ASAP.

ThursdayWillBeTheDay Wed 12-Dec-12 08:51:21

No it's not acceptable and no you aren't going mad.

And what wobbly said.

PeppermintPasty Wed 12-Dec-12 09:00:24

My dp did this after his affair. I think I was in such shock about the whole thing, though I could rationalise it on one level, that I stood glumly by for a while thinking that was how it should be. I didn't want to force it as I was afraid of pushing him away.
After a few more weeks of piss taking, I woke up. As soon as I kicked his arse totally into touch and realised that I would never compromise on this or anything else, the power shifted. My old strength and confidence returned. He dropped her like a hot brick.

He then had a mountain to climb to get back to me, but that's another story.

PeppermintPasty Wed 12-Dec-12 09:02:16

And I echo what wobbly says-it's my experience that the affair is ongoing in these circumstances. It may have "cooled", but it's still there.

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Wed 12-Dec-12 09:10:44

While I 100% agree that he should not remain friends with the ow, disagree with wobbly's statement that You CANNOT go back from being 'lover's to 'platonic friends'. it is entirely possible to end a relationship and remain friends. However, its wrong because it minimizes what he has done to you, and shows that h doesn't appreciate how badly he has hurt you.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Wed 12-Dec-12 09:39:54

"I don't think he realises I know. But I think he would say they are just friends. I think if I asked he would say that he would not speak to her any more."

So he's still lying to you.

About the woman he risked your family for.

The last 6 months have been a complete waste of your time.

If he was really sorry about what he had done, if he understood it at all, thus would not be an issue.

ErikNorseman Wed 12-Dec-12 09:53:50

Blameit - it's possible after a normal relationship that ended due to mutual agreement, yes. After the discovery of an affair? Never.

BlameItOnTheChoirOfAngels Wed 12-Dec-12 09:57:22

I disagree, but to do so, as I said, is wrong. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

twostraightlines Wed 12-Dec-12 09:58:10

My H tried that one on too. He said initially that he wasn't prepared to give her up "as a friend".

He did in the end (after more lies and cover-ups) because he eventually understood that it was her friendship or our marriage.

But this early situation was an indicator of his general approach to mending our broken relationship, and not surprisingly, 2 years on I gave up hoping he'd ever deal properly with the consequences of his actions. We have recently separated and I am fully expecting the cheap shag to crawl back out of the woodwork at some point.

I'd definitely confront him about this ongoing contact, because both of you know it's not on.

Looksgoodingravy Wed 12-Dec-12 10:00:28

This must feel like such a blow sad totally unacceptable, all contact should have been cut when your dh said that he loved you and would do anything to keep you. I would feel mortified if I found out that dp had still been in touch with the ow, this would be a HUGE step back.

If there was a reason he needed to remain in contact with the ow then you should have been told about it, no secrets, everything open to you.

Looksgoodingravy Wed 12-Dec-12 10:03:33

I also think that if you don't feel that you can talk to him about this then it's going to be a struggle making this work with regards to trust. How do you know he's still in touch with her?

VeryTattyMum Wed 12-Dec-12 11:00:34

You're not mad, he, on the other hand is off his head!

dequoisagitil Wed 12-Dec-12 11:33:21

Bring it up in counselling.

It is not acceptable. No contact with the OW is a basic requirement for you as a couple to have a clear field to try to rebuild. Her hanging around like a bad smell being his 'friend' is no good. You need good strong boundaries and her presence in your lives crosses them.

I'm not sure how you think it can be fixed when you know he would lie to you about something so important - you think he would agree to stop seeing her, but would then continue? Same as he did when you first found out?

Then how can you trust a single word he ever says?

Seeing her as a friend isn't good. Being prepared to say anything that works to keep stringing you along, while ignoring your wishes, is a lot worse.

Frankly, it doesn't sound like he is really prepared to admit that he screwed up and has to put the effort in to have any chance of making your marriage work. And you seem desperate enough to let him away with it.

PostBellumBugsy Wed 12-Dec-12 14:43:59

Annie this was the deal breaker for me. ex-H had an affair & we decided that we'd try to make a go of things. We had counselling, which was beyond awful but when it came to the crunch he refused to close down the contact with the OW. He absolutely refused, saying that she was a good friend and he would stay in touch with her.
That was it for me. If the chemistry was there, it wasn't going to go away & I just couldn't cope with never being completely sure that it was over between them.

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