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anyone like to hve a discuss without having a total go at me, in a situation that is not easy.

(90 Posts)
littleknownangel Tue 11-Dec-12 18:20:52

Ok have namechanged.

I had an emotional affair with a married man, which last a few months. I told him to go back to relying on his wife not me. A year passed. We bumped into each other again, and the texts started. We met up for coffee, he said he couldn't not be with me, wanted to give us a chance. I KNOW from that second I should have said then leave her first. Both of us going thru some very hard times, me with my children, him with his. Think illness and money probs.

His wife knew he had got involved with me inappropriately, but they didn't discuss it, swept it away and in that year their life carried on the same. He said, when we met up again, nothing had changed, they had grown apart and that it weren't for the kids he would not be with her. She knows now that he 'saw' me for a while, he told her, and she said that she wanted to stay together for the kids. HIs whole family have said the same.

Ok bring it up to date. I have trawled the net, looking for info on EA, on reasons they happen. Looked religiously on here for any help, but i have never found anyone or anywhere to discuss what happened to me. I know i am risking a total bollocking now, for giving in to the advances of him. But i did, and it's left me in a bad place. The upshot is i have called it a day, as despite his promises to me, that he felt very clear that his marriage is over. Now they know, (the children)that mum and dad are thinking about splitting, he says he cannot bare to leave them. Says he loves me but can't follow his heart over loyalty to his children.

This is another bit. I totally get this. If i fell in love with someone but I had to choose between that person, and leaving my children to the care of their father, and not see them every day. Well I couldn't.

My mother left my dad, and that near killed her, but the one thing she had for certain was knowing she had her babies with her.

He has said, he loves me, and doesn't love his wife anymore, and that she feels she would prefer to carry on as before for the kids too. He had told her he was leaving, they discussed that they had not been happy for along time, and she agreed that very soon the kids will leave home and their relationship was not close anymore.

So, hard as this was to write, and it prob even comes across cold in places, but it's all i can do right now because i have been properly hurt, despite trying to end it or call it for weeks. What do you think about the man being very close to his children and not being able to physically leave them. Or do you think, if things were that bad he would do it anyway? I believe there is probably something worth saving for them. Well i did more so a year ago when i told him to go and talk to her not me. They have history, and children so I guess that can be enough to have a comfortable future.
I am all over the shop with this, and i can normally write more clearly, but would like some views, or even better some experiences personal or other wise of when a marriage comes to an end, but it's the man who is most unhappy but stays. tia

littleknownangel Tue 11-Dec-12 18:22:30

just to add i am single.

Doha Tue 11-Dec-12 18:31:06

Bottom line if he wanted to he would be with you.

Staying for the Dc's is in most cases a pile of shite as unhappy parents can affect the children quite badly in terms of future relationships. Are you sure he has discussed staying with his wife??
However l can understand him not wanting to be away from the kids but what happens when the kids leave home!!!!!!

thenightsky Tue 11-Dec-12 18:33:18

Gosh. Your head sounds a mess, so I feel very sorry for you in that respect. I'm not sure what you are asking (if you are indeed asking for anything) by starting this thread.

Some will say he wants his cake and to eat it too... you there to call on whenever he feels like it, plus a cosy home wtih wife, kids, clean clothes and hot food etc.

On the other hand, he could be tormented with feeling torn between being with you and staying with his children.

So, do you want to hang on for what could be an endless amount of time waiting for him to make his mind up (perhaps not till his kids are adult)?

NatashaBee Tue 11-Dec-12 18:34:32

I think you're trying to give yourself false hope that he really loves you, not his wife, and he is only staying for the children. Whilst you're still clinging to that, you won't be able to move on.

Even if he did leave to be with you - why would you want him? You already know he has form for infidelity and can't be trusted. How do you know he wouldn't cheat on you if you two became a couple? You don't - because he's done it before.

Doinmummy Tue 11-Dec-12 18:36:39

I think it's clear that he won't leave his wife. I'd try to have no more contact at all with him. Concentrate on developing healthy relationships with people that are honest and above all available . He will make you ill.

Mumofjz Tue 11-Dec-12 18:38:16

If he can't leave his kids, then he must put his family first - FAMILY being the wife and children. You can not be part of it.

The kids will be devastated whatever the age and personally i think more so the older they are as they will understand more clearly that the family life they will look back on will be based on lies.

If he can't make the move, then i'm afraid you must, bow out graciously and leave him to live his life. You need to live yours and this isn't the man to do it with if he can't commit to you wholey

SoHHKB Tue 11-Dec-12 18:45:06

You have my sympathy - I was in a very similar position for a while and it was very hard to know what was for the best. I felt I had promised to stand by him but that he kept changing his mind about what he wanted. Also - and this is a big point - I had no real idea what he was telling his wife and couldn't rely on what he was telling me.
Basically, he was in a pretty bad place emotionally and eventually I realised he was dragging me down with him.
You are worth more than to be continually let down or second best and there are men out there who will be with you because they want to be with you and nothing will stand in their way. Look after yourself [hug]

littleknownangel Tue 11-Dec-12 18:45:50

we havent spoken for 3 weeks. decided, after his children overheard the discussions. he needed to reflect on this. they were in bits. obviously. and i felt like utter shit. the reality kicked in.

we didn't speak by text for two weeks. i realized i needed space too.

He has never told his wife in that time he wants to stay, just that he is now undecided. i said, look i understand that you love them and want to stay, and that for you you cannot get your head round doing that. So stay, i can totally understand it, as i could not imagine leaving my children's home.
HIs last words to me by text are that he knows he will regret losing me, that it's his own fault for not being stronger. and that 'I can't understand, why i can't be with you.

I have lost a whole load of respect for him, not for his decision, but the way he has handled it. When he promised he would not keep me in the dark. He would say it's because his mind is still not made up, the shock of seeing the children (teens) so upset has thrown him. Yet, althought i have supported him in this, i feel that I am suffering and that he needed to be told enough is enough. I mean it too. I just feel very sad.

if i am not answering direct points it is because my head is swirling, and i feel so ill with the strain. I feel like i have been to nice to him, for too long. too understanding. stupid maybe. but hard when someone says thats it no going back i want to be with you. then they do. and they don't even know the reason properly. x

NatashaBee Tue 11-Dec-12 18:48:04

'I can't understand, why i can't be with you.

Because he is a cheating knobber with a wife and children. He needs to step up and take responsibility for his actions, and stop playing the 'star crossed lover' role.

Hatpin Tue 11-Dec-12 18:49:15

How do you know his wife knows about your affair?

littleknownangel Tue 11-Dec-12 18:49:47

thankyou. i mean it. it's been so hard. i feel foolish too. but i do know i have pushed him away many times.

i have worked on me, and knew deep down, well the last week it was coming to this.

You are right, i have no idea what he is telling his wife. He told his cousin about about how his wife verbally abuses their eldest daughter, and he feels he can't leave her to it.

SoHHKB Tue 11-Dec-12 18:50:26

He is playing the 'poor me' card so he keeps you on side just in case
Take a deep breath and ignore, ignore, ignore - I wish you luck x

EdithWeston Tue 11-Dec-12 18:50:44

He has shown himself to be capable of lying to his wife (by concealing the EA with you). I think you should realise there is a very strong possibility that he is lying to you about her. Everything you say shows that this is a man who is deeply attached to both his wife and his children, even though he is behaving despicably towards them at the moment.

You definitely have not got the full story of what is going on in his marriage.

I think you are selling yourself short, and closing off the possibility of finding a decent (non-cheating) relationship where you will be the first and public choice, if you settle for years as the OW.

littleknownangel Tue 11-Dec-12 18:51:48

he told her. we have a person in common who knows he did. she also contacted me.

Lovingfreedom Tue 11-Dec-12 18:53:05

Yeah... guys like this are generally talking a lot of bullshit to everyone....and whether he is or not...he's never going to leave his wife for you...you know that. Sorry you're in this position - can't be easy. Good luck.

littleknownangel Tue 11-Dec-12 18:54:08

he told her about the EA. but your right, how much did he tell her. had he told her he had fallen for me she may well have kicked him out right there eh. so actually he sold her short, and as i have read on other threads, she didn't even know what she was fighting for as i guess he also thought, it's over with littleknown so let it go.

littleknownangel Tue 11-Dec-12 19:01:57

i know i will be ok. i got involved with something i hoped would turn out ok. i havent had anyone in my life for 8 yrs since my ex dh left rather abruptly, so although i should have know better, because the ea was wrong and a mess, i suppose i thought he was going to be the one. I am not particulary young, and thought perhaps i could handle it, by that i mean it would all come clear and i had enough life experience to know things like this happen to marriages. Hey it happend to my parents, and to me, and three of my best friends-marriages ending i mean.

i gave way too much. i deserve this outcome, lesson learnt.

ISayHolmes Tue 11-Dec-12 19:08:03

Totally agree that he's probably been lying to you and putting a spin on the entire situation. He's probably lying to himself as well to make cheating on his wife more palatable to himself. Convince himself their relationship is on the rocks and suddenly it becomes so much more acceptable to devote time and energy to another woman rather than his wife and children. Sorry, but he could he getting counselling with his wife, spending time with his family in an attempt to bring them closer, making an effort with date nights, or even leaving his relationship and trying to set up 50/50 contact...instead he's living in a fantasy land that he has no intention of making into a reality.

I 100% believe you'll never hear the truth about their marriage. Instead you'll just get the perspective he's chosen to minimise his guilt and make his actions "acceptable". It will sound very plausible and real, but ever notice how it's the same story over and over again with these men? "We've grown apart" "We're only together for our children" "We hardly even talk any more". Part of the reason that might even be the case is that the cheating spouse has checked out of the relationship and is busy thinking about and paying attention to another woman: THAT'S what helps kill off a marriage too. It can even be the start of all the problems as the EA/PA inevitably leads to one half of the marriage being moody, secretive, building up imaginary resentments and failing to even try to work on their marriage. It affects the home life and probably hasn't helped his relationship with his children either. There is an impact.

Never talk to him again and cut off contact completely.

MrsHarryPearce Tue 11-Dec-12 19:10:46

hi there! Non of this makes you a bad person. Google 'limerence' and read some of the articles. Now, I'm not saying that is you but it helped me put things in perspective by thinking that in a funny sort of way I may not be entirely responsible for my mixed up feelings over someone. if in some way you can take on board that someone loves you very much but can't be with you then use that to make you feel strong. then also tell yourself that there is no guarentee either of you would be happie together because of all the baggage etc. it is so so hard but at least you are loved.

jingleallthespringy Tue 11-Dec-12 19:11:11

wow, look how much agony he's put at least two women through, plus the kids sad

AnitaManeater Tue 11-Dec-12 19:11:21

I bet he's loving all the attention and drama.

SoHHKB Tue 11-Dec-12 19:15:47

Try not to beat yourself up nearly impossible, I know Pat yourself on the back for recognising now that this is not a good situation and treat yourself to something nice for every day you spend out of contact. Get involved in other things, make plans with friends, get on a dating site - just for a giggle and a bit of distraction rather than anything serious (although be fair and make it clear that that's what you're there for!) Ultimately, don't go down the route of blaming yourself entirely - he has played his part in this too

littleknownangel Tue 11-Dec-12 19:29:47

will look into that link thanks.

he says he isn't enjoying the drama, but i also feel he enjoys being miserable/living in a fantasy in equal measures. it's very hard to be subjective on this, as my heart/history/nurture/desires/feelings are involved. As i have said i have a great need to understand this, to be able to process and let go. i think that's why i have sought out mumsnet. I have been here for 7 yrs, and it's part of every day.
I believe he stands for or at least stood for 'the family'. Until he met me.

I will not contact him again. He has drained the life out out of me. I tried to be the fixer, i guess. the voice of reason. why??? i need to give that to someone who is free to give that back.

DonkeysInTheStableAtMidnight Tue 11-Dec-12 19:34:52

Think how much time you have spent on this person. Time shared with his wife and DCs. You could be with someone available and know their time is yours. Why waste more time on this man who has no qualms treating his family and you so poorly? I would say this whether you were 24 or 64. He will always have an excuse, a reason, a justification. I think people can be adept at what stories they spin, who knows how he painted you to his wife!

If you wait for his children to grow up and leave home, then his wife will be ill, or finances precarious, or, or... poor him! Why orbit him, why squander time. Enough already.

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