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Husband had a lap dance....?!?

(594 Posts)
Hitchy83 Sat 01-Dec-12 01:55:08

Hi all, this is the first time I've posted on here but just needed some impartial opinions!!
Back in August me and my husband planned a weekend away in Leeds as a break before baby arrived, I was 7 months pregnant. While watching TV a few nights before we went I looked at his phone and the normally stupid messages between him and his best friend (I know stupid of me to do so, it's not that I don't trust him but I've often found him telling his best friend things e hasn't told me, nothing major but stuff I thought we would have talked about). Anyway his messages referred to my husbands stag do which was 3 years ago and joked if he would be going back to the strip club in leeds to get another lap dance, I was absolutely mortified. I trust my husband completely and we've always been very open with no secrets, I did joke to him no strip clubs before he went on his stag do but he assured me that wasn't his thing so I didn't think anything more of it. When I confronted my husband he started by saying he had forgotten all about it as he was drunk, but the more I probed the more he released information, his friend had 2, he had to have one as it was his stag do etc! I tried to laugh it off as I wanted us to enjoy our weekend away but when I came home I became obsessed with finding out about the club and looking at you tube videos of lap dances to see what happens, and became really upset by it all. We never had an proper argument about it as he kept laughing it off and telling me it was his stag do and that in being silly but I couldn't help but picture a girl girating all around him in her lingere and him getting off on it. I'd managed to push it to the back of my mind but since I had our son 6 weeks ago and I look at my stretch marks and wobbly belly all I can think of is that my husband will always have this image of the girl all over him on his stag do and now ill never compare to this :-( I've since looked at his messages to his friend and they keep sending half naked pictures of celebs to each other talking about how hot they are etc. I honestly had this halo over my husband, we've been together more than 11years and I thought I knew him inside out and never thought he was just like every other man oogling these images and going to strip clubs, it's broken my heart to find out about his lap dance :-(
I just don't know if I'm over reacting and being completely naive, is this to be expected on a stag do? I spoke to one of my friends who was just as shocked but she seemed to think it was his stag do so may have been pushed into it. I don't know what to do, I love him so much and I know we won't split up over this, but I'm so secretly hurting I don't know how to get over it?
Has anyone else been in a similar position or any ideas how I can get over this?
Thanks
H x

badinage Sat 01-Dec-12 02:18:59

You're not over-reacting and you're not naive.

Your husband and his mate think they are entitled to pay for sexual services on a night out.

It isn't to be expected on a stag do. Lots of men who respect womankind in general and not just the women in their close circle, wouldn't go near a lapdancing club on their stag do and if their mates tried to persuade them, they'd tell them to fuck off. In fact they'd be unlikely to have mates like this.

Neither would they swap pictures of naked women on their phones.

You don't have to hurt silently.

Hurt loudly.

Your husband lied to you about his stag night and he did remember.

Your mate has fallen into a common trap of thinking that women have just got to suck it up if men behave atrociously on a stag do.

No woman has to suck it up, so don't be one of them.

Hitchy83 Sat 01-Dec-12 07:49:59

I just don't know what to do in terms of gettin over it, should I try talking to my husband about it (although very time I raise it he's getting annoyed with me saying to just forget about it - easier said than done!)?

I'm trying to shake the image of him getting a lap dance out of my head but it just makes me feel sick every time. I don't have the jealous feelings towards her as such, I know she's doing a job and he was probably the 10th guy of the night, what I'm hating the thought of my husband enjoying it, and in that way ill never compare!

Part of me thinks I should just suffer silently as every time I do discuss it with him it's making him think of her where as if I leave it be he won't be thinking about it, does that make sense?!?

Feel so stupid fr it all, it's been their little secret for the last few years and I feel like I've been laughed at! I did say to my husband what if on my hen do I had of been on a mission to get kisses from other guys (like a hen do game, which I didn't!), he said he wouldn't have been bothered as it was my hen do! Thing is though, the idea of my hen so was celebrating my forthcoming wedding with my girly mates, it wasn't my last ditch attempt to be with another guy :-S

Thanks for any opinions!!

jammic Sat 01-Dec-12 07:57:47

My husband has a lap dance on his stag. It's not something he would normally do but he felt pressured by it being his stag. I was fuming. He admitted it straight away but I was really disappointed. We talked about it, he apologised and we moved on. Time is a great healer and everyone makes mistakes.

twosquared Sat 01-Dec-12 08:01:34

Please try not to worry too much, if its not a pattern of regular behaviour then I'm sure its okay. Its worth a talk that you expect him to be honest with you and briefly explaining how it all makes you feel. (I'm sure you don't worry about him thinking about every ex-girlfriend he's ever slept with!).
If you're feeling bad about your body - dump the baby with him and go and get some exercise. You'll feel better! And it will be positive for your relationship. More energy, you'll be one step towards shedding the baby weight PLUS he'll understand how much you do for him looking after your kid(s).
Good luck!

AThingInYourLife Sat 01-Dec-12 08:05:14

This wasn't a mistake.

This man is a nasty sexist pig.

You have been laughed at.

That's what they were doing when they were joking about him buying a sexual service while he was on a break with his pregnant wife.

This is who your husband is.

You're going to have to do a lot silent suffering if you don't find men who hate women attractive.

OpheliaPayneAgain Sat 01-Dec-12 08:19:39

Can't say it would bother me one iota.

InNeedOfBrandy Sat 01-Dec-12 08:22:16

It wouldn't really bother me as long as I had had a male stripper at mine

Proudnscaryvirginmary Sat 01-Dec-12 08:28:16

Gosh AThing - way OTT. You know next to nothing about this man and you write him off as a sexist pig who 'hates women'!!

My caring, intelligent, respectful, kind, loving, once went to a strip club on a stag night. I told him he was a prick and he'd humiliated me. He's never done it again. Never. He is still caring, intelligent, respectful, kind and loving. I'm a feminist and he holds the same views as me.

OP - you are not being stupid. I'd be upset and disappointed and disgusted too. I would also feel duped and laughed at. Everything you are feeling is normal.

BUT I agree with twosquared, non-sexist, non-bastardy, caring men do make mistakes and they can be pressured on stag do's. No that doesn't make it ok or your insecurities any better, but there are men who have done this once in their lives and don't do it again.

Only you know your dh and the bones of him.

If he's a good bloke and a good husband, forgive him, tell him he's a dealbreaker going forward and move on.

OpheliaPayneAgain Sat 01-Dec-12 08:29:48

DH did send me a stripper on my hen night grin

Proudnscaryvirginmary Sat 01-Dec-12 08:30:23

My caring, intelligent, respectufl kind, loving husband that would be!

MikeLitorisHasChristmasLights Sat 01-Dec-12 08:32:28

Wow athing a bit harsh there.

Proudnscaryvirginmary Sat 01-Dec-12 08:35:18

Sorry just to add - the reason I was so fucked off when my dh did this was exactly what you're saying...I felt stupid that he/they'd not told me. He'd told me all about the stag holiday and all the trips they went on, lovely dinners etc but omitted to tell me about the lapdancing club. So I felt so stupid for buying that and felt laughed at. He wasn't laughing at me though, he just didn't tell me in case I was upset or angry! Twat!

Shesparkles Sat 01-Dec-12 08:43:23

Im another one who wouldn't be bothered IF it was a 1 off, on his stag do, and there hadn't been a repeat.
However, we're both in our 40s and have been married for what feels like a million years. He went on a lads' weekend abroad last summer and the one before, and whilst I'm fairly confident that all that went on was drinking vast amounts of beer followed by lying in the sun to recover (his tan was topped up a fair bit in 4 days!) I take the attitude that what goes on tour stays on tour.

Saying all that about my own circumstances, I do understand that at 7 months pregnant OP was in a more vulnerable and sensitive position when she found out what she did. From what your dh has said, please try to not read any more into it than there is, that's only going to hurt you and your marriage. See it for what it was, a drunken 1 off on his stag night.

AThingInYourLife Sat 01-Dec-12 08:50:28

This guy and his friend spend their time sending each other pictures of semi-naked women to leer at and comment on.

And he's not remotely sorry about the lap dance. He just wants his wife to shut about it.

Immature, sexist gobshites the pair of them.

Who could respect a loser like that?

Ick.

stuffitunderthebed Sat 01-Dec-12 08:51:24

Believe me, I know exactly how you feel! My DP's lapdance on his stag do paled in comparison to later events that night. I'm not saying you should 'suck it up' but pointing out that some men get caught up in the whole 'stag do mentality'. It isn't right, it certainly isn't pleasant; but it happens. Don't be put off by him being dismissive - you have every right to be upset. Tell him in no uncertain terms how you feel and do not back down until he is genuinely sorry. Then work on it together, lots of talking about how it makes you feel. Lots of honesty. Lots of cuddles and affection. Hopefully in time you'll feel better. (We're four months on now and its much much easier than it was. Hoping to actually marry at some point. There won't be a stag do, obviously --although I may have another hen and be the one to behave badly this time--) Good luck OP. You have my sympathies.

OpheliaPayneAgain Sat 01-Dec-12 08:52:55

My perception, re-reading the Op is about personal insecurities, not about the lap dance. I look at my stretch marks and wobbly belly

I'm afraid OP, much like the rest of us, your jelly belly and stretch marks are a fact of life - you may not like them much, do any of us? but you can't make every fit young girl cover up or you could never to to the beach again, turn the TV on, and go for a blanket ban on crop tops in the high street.

Op, it's you tormenting yourself - I doubt your DH even remembers the stag do, much less dwells on it.

AThingInYourLife Sat 01-Dec-12 08:54:22

Has this liar ever even claimed that buying this woman's sexual services was a mistake?

I know all the apologists are saying it was, but he has just been laughing about it and saying he had every right as it was his stag do.

Proudnscaryvirginmary Sat 01-Dec-12 08:59:51

Stuffit - was this on top of the other thing you posted about?! (don't want to go into details on this thread in case you don't want it bringing up - hope all is ok with you)

AThing - honestly you are sounding frothy now. I know you will think me an apologist but it really is possible for men to visit a strip bar and NOT to hate women or be a 'loser'. In fact I take huge offence at that, on my husband's behalf. He respects women and is a wonderful husband and father.

You are also twisting the lying and the 'laughing about it' as I think you know.

Hooya Sat 01-Dec-12 09:02:18

Hi Hitchy, congrats on the birth of your son and sorry this has left you feeling so bad!

My DP of many, many years enjoys the occasional night involving a visit to a strip club, and I can honestly say I have no problem with it at all, for the following reasons:

1. I personally have no issue with the idea of women selling their sex appeal for money, and I accept that many men enjoy that
2. I have total trust that he won't cross any of the boundaries we have agreed (he won't kiss anyone etc)
3. I know and am totally ok with the fact that these women have better / younger bodies than I do, but I am certain the whole package my DP gets with me is more appealing that a lap dancer, in the same way that a hot guy I see at work doesn't give me the love and support etc my DP does

However, if any of the above were not true then it would be different and I'd want to talk to him about why I was uncomfortable with it. I would also to proud's point be annoyed if he lied about it as that would be unecessary.

I've spoken with a lot of men about this as I'm aware I'm in the minority, and I'm surprised when they hide this sort of activity from their partners. The bottom line is, hetero men generally enjoy being around hot naked women, and can enjoy a fun night out even more if they are a feature. I'm not saying you should be a martyr to this, just should ask yourself why it bothers you before you confront it.

stuffitunderthebed Sat 01-Dec-12 09:21:07

proudnscary yes, the 'lads' bought him a lapdance. Don't know if I mentioned it on my thread because at time it was least of my worries. No, I don't mind you bringing it up. I just hope that my experiences can provide some context for OP. Of just how bad things can get when a partner buys into the stag do cliches. As you've found, even the normally most sane and loving men can be swept away by peer pressure to be 'one of the lads'. Unfortunately in my case my very stupid and very weak partner took the old adage about final flings etc to the nth degree! The only small scrap of consolation I have to cling to is that he learned a very valuable lesson; the hard way and I now have a more thoughtful and loving partner who is thankfull we are still together and much more appreciative of me and our relationship. In short, he has grown up grin

Proudnscaryvirginmary Sat 01-Dec-12 09:24:41

I'm really glad to hear that stuffit x

puds11 Sat 01-Dec-12 09:31:49

I do agree with the stag do mentality, i know when i go out and don't want to drink, my friends sometimes try to pressure me into it. The only difference is i don't give in. I am very stubborn and strong minded though, and know that other people would cave a lot more easily.

Hi friends may have been giving it the whole 'but its your stag night' mutter, but the fact remains that he should have told you, and him not telling implies he knew he was doing wrong.

As for comparing yourself to this dancer, just stop. You are beautiful, you made a baby, and there is a lot more to a women than her body. I don't think many men would actually want to be with a dancer, its more just the juvenile excitement of having the dance.

stuffitunderthebed Sat 01-Dec-12 09:41:23

Sorry to hijack OP, Proud I actually named you on a 'favourite MNetters' thread last week. Don't know if you saw it but just wanted to thank you for your support at what was a horrendous time! OP, you can get past this. A night of madness that seemingly many men get caught up in. However, a word of caution; there needs to be genuine contrition and regard for your feelings. The ongoing swapping of texts with friend of 'hot' women etc is deeply disrespectful and a separate (worrying) issue.

Proudnscaryvirginmary Sat 01-Dec-12 09:45:28

No I didn't see that, Stuffit - that's so sweet and I'm delighted to have been one of the posters to help you through a bloody awful time.

I agree about the swapping of texts - I admit I didn't see that earlier and it makes me understand (a bit) why AThing was so harsh.

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