finding 2 hard - is it ok to ignore a newborn??

(14 Posts)
tiredmummy32 Thu 13-Dec-12 17:34:56

I mean of course I feed and change him etc and cuddle when crying. But other than that he spends most of his time in the crib asleep or else just lying there with his eyes open.

I have a 2yo as well who seems to have taken the addition of the baby quite badly and so needs lots of attention at the moment. I have already given up breastfeeding just a few days in because it took so long and was exhausting. Bottles are a lot quicker to administer!

I'm worried though that I should be doing more holding and cuddling of ds2, I think when ds1 was small I definitely did and I ebf him for the first 6 mths.

I think I read somewhere that not enough cuddles can damage brain wiring. I am feeling stressed and worried about it all. ds2 is only 1 week old still.

ledkr Thu 13-Dec-12 17:41:27

Can you use a sling for part of the day? None of mine would have led there that long so I never had the luxury of bring able to ignore them.

getoutofit Thu 13-Dec-12 17:43:19

Really don't worry about it. The baby will just fit in with toddler stuff and will let you know if it's not happy. Or strap the baby on in a sling. The days of lying around watching box sets all day are gone - why did one small baby ever feel like hard work!

Can you go hardout with your 2yo while NB is asleep, playing, reading stories, etc.... Then when NB wakes, explain to 2yo, NB needs feeding, changing what have you. After that before NB drops back off, play with 2yo, next to NB? NB sees you and hears your voice, and 2yo gets your attention. Maybe make it something to involve NB? Eg, look 2yo, can you count NB toes? Let's count toes? or fingers or whatever. Let's stroke NB hair gently 2yo. etc.... Getting your toddler involved with the baby, but also giving him attention at the same tim.e

I remember that.

My DS2 is now 14 but when he was a tiny baby I recall my attention was focussed mainly on DS1 who was two. Baby was fed and content most of the time.What surprised me was how often he would cry and fall asleep before I got to him because I was busy with his brother. People used to tell me DS1 was tired when he cried as a tiny baby but I never believed it.
He doesn't hold it against me now.
That first year with two babies is very hard, you are doing fine try and enjoy him. Your time withDS2 will come when DS1 is older and at school.

tiredmummy32 Thu 13-Dec-12 17:47:44

Thanks for replies. I'm a bit worried about using a sling with such a small baby but will try once he is a bit bigger. At the moment he is just lying there mostly asleep (I think the formula dopes them a bit as ds1 never slept so long) and occasionally awake. It is actually quite easy for me now that he has formula but I just feel really guilty that I don't give him enough attention and also that I am not breastfeeding.

But also feel guilty that ds1 seems so upset about it all. (he is not overt in his feelings just always wants to sit on my lap, be carried now which is a definite change in behaviour).

BananaramaLlama Thu 13-Dec-12 17:51:46

Lots of slings and carriers can be used with small babies, maybe a caboo or Kari me? You can pop the wee one in and out without retrying the Kari me every time, and the caboo is pre-sewn so no tying at all.

wonderstuff Thu 13-Dec-12 17:54:13

It will get easier. My memories of dc2s early days are quite bleak. I'm wouldn't worry about little one, I'm sure that mothers have been ignoring their second borns as much as possible for centuries. I didn't do much with dc2, and now he is a very happy confident cuddly 2 year old. Dc1 now 5 and rarely gets jealous of dc2 - and obv at school which helps,

ZhenThereWereTwo Thu 13-Dec-12 18:12:09

You would be fine to put ds2 in a stretchy wrap with his legs froggy style (like in the womb). I found mine invaluable for dd2 and used it everyday until recently when I needed something stronger. Joy and Joe (the one I have) and Victoria sling lady ones are very reasonable, also check out the sling lady's you tube video for carrying positions. I found it enabled me to get out of the house more with dd1 with greater mobility in playground to chase after her too and I could interact more with dd2. I wore her while I did the cleaning too.

Also what HerRoyal says, give ds1 lots of attention when ds2's sleeps and also have your partner pick up the slack and give ds1 some 1-on-1 time while you enjoy some baby time too. My mum came over a lot in the early days as dd1 loves her to bits so she got special attention that way too, have you got any family that can come and spoil ds1 a bit?

BikeRunSki Thu 13-Dec-12 18:27:08

OP, you are doing exactly what I did a year ago (including the bf), and my now 1 yo is fine, bright, alert and happy. She had her first day at nursery today. She loved it as it was geared to 1 yo s not 4 yo! She has spent her whole life fitting in with her brother. I think that is the lot of second (and subsequent) children.

preemiemummy26 Thu 13-Dec-12 18:47:59

I did exactly the same with my son, although put him in his bouncer and talked to him a lot. Your baby will sharp learn how to get your attention don't worry!

catwoman101 Thu 13-Dec-12 19:12:48

That is fine, and your dc2 will probably speak earlier from interaction with dc1.

Children only get brain damage from zero cuddling (think roumanian spelling??? orphanage)

If dc2 is content to lie with eyes open and not cry you are obviously doing a fab job.

okthen Thu 13-Dec-12 20:45:40

Mine are 2.10yo and 5 weeks. The baby sleeps most of the time but has just started to be more 'demanding', so now I can't ignore him! Am sure yours will let you know when you're needed more too, so don't worry and enjoy the peace...

A sling is a great idea. Also sitting and reading or doing stickers with the older one whilst feeding/cuddling baby. We have some lovely times doing this.

One tip I read for helping older child to feel less usurped is, when baby wakes/shouts, say to baby 'just a moment, [baby's name], I'm just playing/reading/whatever with [older child] right now, I'll be there soon'. Obv baby has no idea what you're saying- and You still go to the baby quickly- but it seems to have helped my dd not to feel as though it's always her being told to wait while the baby's needs are met. She'll even say 'mummy I think you'd better go him now'.

Skiffen Thu 13-Dec-12 20:51:05

DD2 was barely out of her Moby stretchy wrap for the first 4 months or so. I bf and managed to do that with her in the sling too - meant I pretty much only got her out to change her! There's 20 months between my 2 and DD1 was very put out by the new arrival. I found that by putting DD2 in the sling she was less "present" and therefore less upsetting to DD1, but DD2 was getting cuddles and milk with virtually no effort from me. It helped me feel less guilty as i could reassure myself that DD2 was getting all she needed. See if you have a sling library or a friend you could try one from, it might help?

Try not to worry, it does all get better. The early days are the hardest - thi too shall pass.

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