"tutoring for grammar school is cheating". AIBU to be fuming at DSIL's attitude?

(665 Posts)
twiceupinarms Fri 26-Apr-13 19:29:46

namechange coz as much as I don't care if she reads this, I don't want her to know my normal nickname.angry
I am getting my DD tutored for grammar school. DSIL thinks it's cheating if she can't get in without being tutored and will therefor struggle when she gets there. for fucksake, the exams are not based on school curriculum - it's like being a brilliant footballer but been trialled to get in the team on your ability to tie your laces. fucksake.
Anyone else encountered this attitude?
Oh I can add hypocrisy to the list? Her DD audtitioned to go to Stage Boarding School. Did she do any practice/preparations for the audition? Only 9 lessons a week, every week, for 6 years.
angry
AIBU to be cross?

HollyBerryBush Fri 26-Apr-13 19:33:05

I agree with your DSIL as it happens.

DS2 is at grammar, I refused to have him tutored so he got in on merit and ability. His friends who were tutored cannot keep up and get slung out at the end of Y11 and there are second wave of thank-but-no-thanks in Y12.

yabu, your sil's right.

if he needs tutoring, he's going to struggle massively.

she, sorry, not he.

coocoocatchoo Fri 26-Apr-13 19:39:23

Balls to that. I was tutored for my place at grammar school and had absolutely no problem with 'keeping up'. Good GCSEs and A levels and recently went on to achieve a distinction in my MA. Don't really understand what this natural 'merit' and 'ability' is supposed to refer to hollyberry?! hmm

Nanny0gg Fri 26-Apr-13 19:40:30

I agree OP.
I had one of my DCs tutored, as at the time, the NC bore no resemblance to what would be faced at the exam. I had had a long chat with the HT to make sure that they would be able to cope if they passed. He was more than happy for us to go ahead. There was no problem with the maths or the VR, but there wasn't anywhere near enough English Grammar being taught then. So tutor came for an hour a week, with a bit of extra from me.
The !!+ was passed and Grammar school was a brilliant experience.

Go for it!

WorraLiberty Fri 26-Apr-13 19:41:36

Why do you give a shit what she thinks?

seriouscakeeater Fri 26-Apr-13 19:42:03

Hell no! YANBU! Why the hell would any one leave there child's education to chance. If you can afford it, go for it! My dd went to grammar and loads of kids had a weekly home tutor. Dd had one around exam times as that what we could afford.

echt Fri 26-Apr-13 19:43:45

Wouldn't the tutoring be about practising the kind of tests set by the school? When the 11+ was done back in the day, we all sat practice test at school so we wouldn't be flummoxed by the style of questions on the day.

If the OP's child need fundamental support in literacy or numeracy, then yes, they probably would struggle,

Wouldntyouliketoknow Fri 26-Apr-13 19:43:45

YANBU and YABU. In theory, children going to grammar school should naturally be the brightest, and shouldn't need tutoring. However, these days it does seem as if everyone who wants to apply has some kind of extra support (so even more well done to those who get in without it).

Bottom line - would I give my child extra tutoring to get them into a good grammar school? Yes.

Yama Fri 26-Apr-13 19:44:03

It's the system that need to change, not your SIL's attitude.

overprotection Fri 26-Apr-13 19:44:43

Any parent worth their salt would do whatever it takes to get their kids the best education, ignore her.

Kaluki Fri 26-Apr-13 19:46:40

I wouldn't say its cheating as such but I agree that if she needs coaching for the 11+ then maybe she will struggle.
But you know your own DD 's abilities and its actually none of your SiL's business.
Just be sure that you aren't setting your DD up for a lifetime of feeling inadequate at a school she isn't suited to.

SacreBlue Fri 26-Apr-13 19:46:45

Ditto, tho YANBU re the hypocrisy. Folks here went mental re tutoring when the minister ruled on the 11+ and frankly coming out of the exams my DS commented on the number of kids crying, that's a load of pressure and it doesn't let up once they are in the grammar school.

Wanting the best for your DC is to be commended of course, realistically I know some children would be better off exploring what they are talented at and want to do rather than being coached to get in somewhere they may later struggle at.

Fwiw I don't agree with schools 'giving up' on kids who don't get to grammar - that's a cop out. As parents we can support, help and guide whatever school they go to though, mine passed, by no means at the top, but I knew that since he did so without 'hot housing' that he could cope with the inevitable workload.

Of course if you have the money and time to keep up that level of extra coaching you may feel ok about it, my thoughts were that I might actually put him off learning altogether if that were the case.

twiceupinarms Fri 26-Apr-13 19:47:05

The exam does not reflect what the kids learn at school these days. DD does very well at school. Should I kjust throw her into the exam with no idea of the style or content of the questions and see if she then thrives? hmm
I care because I am being accused of cheating, WorraLiberty. I don't think that that is a difficult concept to understand?

MyDarlingYoni Fri 26-Apr-13 19:47:24

lots of DC are naturally bright but still struggle in some areas. From MN one would imagine every child in grammar was being tutored anyway, so must all be same level

twiceupinarms Fri 26-Apr-13 19:47:51

Yama, you're right, I am doing what it takes to achieve under an unfair system.

Charlie01234 Fri 26-Apr-13 19:48:57

Both mine tutored for local GS - both scraped in. Both thrived and did really well. Ignore your sil - everyone is tutored whether they admit it or not. You know your child.

GenghisCanDoHisOwnWashing Fri 26-Apr-13 19:50:44

Glittery skulls. That is just NOT true. My dd is academically very able - well above average, always has been. School have said she is definitely grammar school material. HOWEVER as op said she has not covered a lot of the things that come up on the maths paper as it is simply not part of curriculum. She also is quite a slow worker (not learner, WORKER) - she is therefore practising NVB and VB tests to get her speed up.

So should she get a grammar school place she will not be struggling. I do think that if she had gone into the test 'blind' (dh and I are tutoring her) then she might well have struggled to get a place. We are in Kent and the competition for grammar places is HUGE.

OP - your SILs attitude is ridiculous unless you are deluded about your child's ability and trying to scrape them an undeserved place (not saying you are but it does happen) - unfortunately though, to give your child a level playing field you really do need to have them tutored. I wholeheartedly disagree with the system but it's the one we've got.

Yama Fri 26-Apr-13 19:52:07

Yes, Twice - in Scotland pupils are zoned. Pupils go to the Secondary School they are zoned for.

I truly believe that if the parents value education, the children are likey to, that parenting is all.

Lets stop deferring parenting to outside institutions.

OutragedFromLeeds Fri 26-Apr-13 19:52:23

I kind of agree with SIL. Tutoring is cheating, but everyone does it. You have to 'cheat' to keep up.

Bowlersarm Fri 26-Apr-13 19:53:00

It's not necessarily right but YANBU. So many children are tutored to pass the 11+ that you need 'to be in it to win it'. If you don't your DD is disadvantaged to pass it.

lashingsofbingeinghere Fri 26-Apr-13 19:53:26

I think tutoring is fine. Being prepared for the exams is no different to an athlete going into training for an event that every other competitor is training for. Level playing field and all that.

piprabbit Fri 26-Apr-13 19:54:01

Most children who sit the 11+ around here are tutored.
Not because they aren't academically capable, but because the tests are not covered by the national curriculum and sitting the exams is not something they will have experienced, so formal exam practice can reduce the chance of freezing on the day.

I think it makes sense to tutor if you can, but that doesn't mean I think the whole 11+ system is good.

Pleasesleep Fri 26-Apr-13 19:56:32

"Any parent worth their salt would do whatever it takes to get their kids the best education, ignore her."

this ^^

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