Or are my parents a complete waste of time and energy

(229 Posts)

So i'm 20 weeks pregnant I have one 4 year old son whose autistic and I am currently attempting to gain my degree in nursing.

A couple of weeks ago my car broke down very suddenly when I was on my way to a placement for uni. This particular placement is in the middle of nowhere so I really do need my car. My father took out a loan so I could buy the car (this took 6 solid months of begging and finally my brothers had a word. he can afford to help as he has a very good job working off shore) and I pay him back every month through paypal as he lives abroad. When the car broke down I thought I would try and appeal to his better nature and I asked him if I could defer on this month?s payment for the car as I needed to get it fixed, well he went nuts! I said ? dad I need my car I have to get to placement I have one child who I have to transport around and another on the way? to which he replied ? don?t even start me on your that (meaning the pregnancy) it?s a fucking mistake and if I was you I would get rid of it!? #

Now, there was absolutely no need for that reply was there? I swiftly told him he is a horrible old man and not to contact me again. I did however say that he would get the car payments back even if it puts me into debt doing it.

Now for my mum! She had been involved in a very toxic relationship with a man for 3 years. I thought it was over last year when he beat her and was really relieved as I cannot stand him. My brother and I traveled the 86 miles to remove him from her home and make sure she was ok. After this my aunties and he friends began to tell me other things this man had done for example, screaming in my son?s face (he hates loud noises and get really distraught) pinning my mum by the throat to a wall, the list is endless really. Needless to say he is a nasty drunken idiot, and if I ever saw him again I would quite happily run over him and then reverse back over him just to make sure I got him!

My mother knows how I and my other 2 brother feel about this man, her sisters and her friends have made their feelings clear too and we have all done our very best to try to support her. So in November you can imagine my horror and, well, anger when I found out that this man had never really left, she had removed his son from her home (10 years old) but then continued to see this guy on the sly. What makes it worse is that my son has been in her house while he was there (she denies it but I know he has!)
I asked her to watch my son for me in my house as me and my partner are planning on going on a trip away together, this is something we never get as we don?t really have much support around us so we don?t get any ?us? time. This is when she A, decided to tell me that this useless excuse of a man was back on the scene and, B was going on holiday with him so couldn't help me out.

I feel like I want to cease all contact with them both. I am so angry hurt and disgusted at their behavior.
AMBU?

AgentZigzag Sat 16-Mar-13 02:49:11

I'm only saying my knee jerk reaction on what you've written, but you were unreasonable to try and default on the payment to your Dad, you don't have any right to try and make him responsible for your car.

Your Dad was totally unreasonable to be so out of control as to say that about your pregnancy, really nasty thing to try and hurt you with.

Your Mum can choose who she wants to be with on her own, you don't have any right to tell her who she can/can't see. Although you don't have to let your DS have any contact with her while she's with this man, and you can refuse to give her support if she keeps putting herself into a situation you find difficult to deal with, which would leave her isolated and wouldn't make you feel any better.

Which makes you being angry at her for going on holiday instead of looking after your DS unreasonable, she's not at your beck and call as a babysitting service, as hard as that might be on you and your DP.

It sounds like a complicated and difficult situation all round really, and I don't blame you in the slightest for trying to gather yourself and get a bit of distance from them.

What were they like when you were younger?

Astelia Sat 16-Mar-13 02:55:50

OP you sound about 15. Why is it your parents responsibility to give you a car loan or do your babysitting? Your father shouldn't have said what he did but I suspect he is fed up with you not planning ahead and expecting him to bail you out.

I'm not making him responsible for the car payment though, he's family, i asked for some help thinking that's what parents do when their child's in trouble. Its not unreasonable for me to expect a little help as one of my brothers had to move in with my dad as he lost his house and his job, He has now been staying there for 2 years rent free and he has a job to help with the rent etc. Also can i just add this isn't an uncommon occurrence with my brother: he's been bailed out more times than Greece!

I totally agree she can choose who she spends her time with but not who she subjects my son to. Its also really hard to take that she has been blatantly lying through her teeth for a solid year.

babysitting service - No but some support for her daughter who has a lot on her plate between my degree, social work meetings, play therapy, educational psychology, occupational health and nursery appointments. I never ask for help and i mean never! I thought as a grandmother she would rather spend time with her grandson than with a man who beats her and who isolates her from her friends and family.

I don't really have a lot of memories from childhood if i'm honest, most of my time was spent in hospital as i had chronic asthma. But what i do remember is my dad coming home from the rigs and getting drunk for a solid 2 weeks, and not being allowed to make a noise between 7-8 pm as my mum went for a nap then and would go off on one. I spent most of my time at my grans house. She was my best friend and 2nd mother,

AgentZigzag Sat 16-Mar-13 03:20:36

At the risk of upsetting you, I have to say you've got a sense of entitlement that would fill St Pauls and then some.

It's like you think they owe you and you have every right to collect.

You don't.

If you're an adult, and you must be to be driving, you can't expect other people to put themselves out for you, you're just setting yourself up for a fall if you do.

It must hurt to see your mum choosing this toerag over you though, but would you really be comfortable going away knowing she was looking after your DS when she's lied to you for so long?

where did i say give me a car loan? I asked to defer on one payment which is £70!
How did you come to the conclusion that i don't forward plan? can you forward plan for your transport breaking down at the end of the month?

AgentZigzag Sat 16-Mar-13 03:29:28

Your Dad over reacted when he could have just said 'You can't because I need it for something I've got to pay for', but you started to argue with him after he'd said no!

It wasn't your money to ask to keep, you were in effect asking to borrow it from him again, and he wasn't having any of it (and stooped to levels he shouldn't have gone to).

Like I said, he's not responsible for your budgeting or the fact you live in a place where you need a car which had broken down.

You really can't lay that at his door.

I don't have a sense of entitlement, i do however expect a bit of help if my brother has had more than a helping hand. My other brother and i just get on with it usually, we always have. I had to ask for the car loan as i got refused, my sons behavior was getting worse and if he didn't want to go somewhere he would lay down on the ground and refuse to move, rain, hail, snow the lot. It got so bad i ended putting my back out trying to carry him home and i routinely got my hair ripped out and punch in the face. I asked to defer for a while on one months payment to aid me in getting it repaired that's all. I ended up having to take out one of those awful payday loans so i could get around.

AgentZigzag Sat 16-Mar-13 03:34:01

And I don't have any meaningful contact with one half of my parents, so I'm not unsympathetic to needing to distance yourself from toxic people.

AgentZigzag Sat 16-Mar-13 03:36:14

Have you tried the 'SN board' on MN OP?

There are some really lovely posters there who can help support you in what sounds like a difficult situation.

AgentZigzag Sat 16-Mar-13 03:39:29

I'm not sure where the SN board is I'm afraid, maybe someone else knows?

But the Stately Homes thread in relationships for survivors of dysfunctional families is very enlightening and you'll find you're not on your own.

Internationaltraveller Sat 16-Mar-13 03:57:05

That was a terrible thing he said to you OP. You souns like a strong person though.

notnagging Sat 16-Mar-13 04:02:01

Your parents help when they're in a position too. Taking out a loan for you means he couldn't afford it but you emotionally blackmailed him into doing so. When you needed another favour you tried to do the same but it didnt work do your upset.
Your mother is an adult & there is nothing you can do unless she's ready. Cutting her off will not help her. She needs to know you are there for her even if she's not ready to leave.

notnagging Sat 16-Mar-13 04:04:23

Also have you tried to apply for disability living allowance for your son? Payday loans are a slippery path op.

WandaDoff Sat 16-Mar-13 05:43:13

OP if you private message me, I will send you as many helpful links & plans as I can. x

whosiwhatsit Sat 16-Mar-13 08:41:41

I don't think you sound entitled, for what it's worth. Healthy families help each other out and there's a reason for the saying "it takes a village to raise a child." Yet your father can afford to help but makes you beg for every little crumb. And then over a measly £70 he's willing to say the nastiest things possible to you with no regard to his own grandchildren. With your mother things are more complicated. She's an abuse victim and you can't really blame her for that. She sounds weak but not nasty from what you've written here. If I were you I would stop talking to your father. YANBU.

DoJo Sat 16-Mar-13 08:45:38

I tend to agree that you sound as though you think your dad owes you - he clearly didn't want to take out the loan in the first place, but you employed emotional blackmail and involved your brother in order to put pressure on him. Whether or not you think he can afford it isn't the point - you couldn't afford a car so him lending you the money for one should have been a personal decision. He may see you asking him to defer payment as a slippery slope towards being saddled with the lot, which is understandable as that is usually how these things start.
I also think, whilst the way he said it was completely unforgivable, that he may have legitimate concerns about your pregnancy - if your budget is so tight that you can't scrape together £70 for essential car repairs, then perhaps adding a baby to your already stretched financial situation seems to him like a bad idea. It may be none of his (or anyone else's) business, but you have involved him by asking for additional support and he may think that you are making decisions which aren't in your own best interests. I just want to stress that I IN NO WAY think that what he said was anything other than vile, but it does sound as though you were pushing him to do something he didn't want to do, so he may have lashed out with that comment.
The fact that he supports your brother is neither here nor there, as unfortunately there is no imperative to be exactly equal, and if he does in fact believe that you are making irresponsible decisions concerning your family then he may feel disinclined to offer you the same because he sees your situation as of your own making.
Your mother is another matter - if she has failed to respect your wishes regarding your son's contact with her boyfriend, then you have every right to be angry, but all you can really do is not leave your son in her care, which is relatively simple. She may need further help in the future to break away from this toxic relationship again, but she presumably knows how you feel about him after the last time, so all you can do is hope she finds the strength to get out, and protect yourself from exposure to his behaviour as much as possible.
I genuinely wish you well - you sound as though you feel terribly put upon at the moment and there is nothing worse than having unsupportive parents, but I think you need to stop expecting so much of them in order not protect yourself from future disappointment.

Goldenbear Sat 16-Mar-13 08:57:43

Op you don't sound entitled at all. Your father sounds like a poisonous man whom I would distance myself from. To me, a normal parent/daughter relationship is epitomised by the qualities of loyalty, unconditional love and doing anything within your power to help your children.

I really hope things improve for you.

raisah Sat 16-Mar-13 09:14:16

If my dc asked for help in similar circumstances to yours I would help knowing what difficulties they would face if I didnt. You were not asking him to wipe the debt clean but an extra month grace so yoy could get your car fixed. You are not entitled but in your vuknerable state your dad thought it was ok to abuse you when you asked for help. He is also causing a potential rift between his kids by favouring one above the other. Both of your parents sound toxic, you are better off disengaging from them.

Try Homestart as they can offer practical help in dealing with your ds. You need to have a break aswell.

raspberryroop Sat 16-Mar-13 09:33:17

So it took 6 mths to 'begging' to get your father to take out a loan??? totally unreasonable behaviour to start with - perhaps he just couldn't afford it and you to be honest have proven why he shouldn't have and didn't want to by defaulting.

raspberryroop Sat 16-Mar-13 09:34:55

Raisah - you say you would help out your children - what if you just didn't have the money ?? Bit of a bloody assumption about the fathers means here.

DontmindifIdo Sat 16-Mar-13 09:42:58

you know what, you do sound entitled - your dad had to make the payment on that loan he took out for you, even if you didn't pay him. You didn't ask for the repairs, you asked him to cover your payment this month. That's not fair. It's your problem, not your dad's.

Your mum is an idiot to see this man, and you are right to be angry she's lied about him being around your DS, but the only thing you can do there is not to use your mum for childcare.

Basically, if you want help, you have to accept the person offering the help sets the terms, not the person being helped. If you want to be the one who decides the terms, then you pay - you take out your own loan (and good luck with getting a bank to just drop a payment because money was tight this month), you pay for childcare and then you can say who does and does not see your DS when he is in their care. You say she's not a babysitting service, but you do want her to look after your child so you and your DP can go away and you can study.

cancel your trip away with your DP, you need the money if you don't even have a spare £70 for emergancies.

secretofcrickleyhall Sat 16-Mar-13 09:48:33

I agree with DoJo; I think that was a really nice post x

I think you're getting a hard time here,OP. sounds like they have been terrible parents from since you were young. I wouldn't be bothering with either of them to be honest. Getting knocked back when asking for a bit of charitable good will from your own family in times of real need when you are doing everything you can to improve your life will destroy your self-worth and self-esteem in the long run.

Personally I would distance myself from both of them. Pay your dad back and then have nothing more to do with him. He sounds horrible and your mum is choosing to live her life the way she wants even though you have put yourself out trying to help her see sense.

They do sound completely toxic. Don't let them infect YOU.

SneakyNinja Sat 16-Mar-13 09:53:09

Agree with dontmindifido. Going away for a break with your partner is a luxury that most people do not have. Being able to postpone a loan payment is a luxury most people do not have, the ability to study to advance your career whilst getting free childcare from a parent.....well you get the idea.

You sound like you are trying your hardest and going through a tough time at the moment but it looks like your parents are unable to help you any more so you may have to start making sacrifices.

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