To still feel guilty about ruining this little girl's evening?

(199 Posts)
DowntonNappy Tue 11-Dec-12 10:49:40

DD (4.11) was at a Christmas party yesterday. Parents were asked to step inside for the last ten minutes to watch the kids perform some carols.

When i went inside, dd jumped up from her chair in excitement to see me. I hurriedly told her to sit back down. She went to do so, but then started crying. Apparantly the child beside her had taken her chair.

I said just sit on the other one then. But dd wasn't having it. She was adamant that was the 'wrong' chair, and the child had jumped into hers while dd had ran over to me.

While dd was crying and telling the little girl that's her chair, the teacher was trying to carry on with the carols.

The other child's mum started getting angry, telling dd that was actually her child's chair and she should sit on the other one.

Dd was still insisting the little girl should move. All the while, I'm trying to calm dd down and get her to sit on the other damn chair, as she was causing a scene. I threatened to take her outside, but this didn't work either. Just as i was about to basically drag her out, the other child starts crying. Her mum goes mad, jumps out of the audience, swoops her daughter up from the chair, and storms out, shouting "Fucking ridiculous. Forget it. Just forget it."

The poor teacher was trying to carry on as normal. She quietly called after the mum, "sorry about that."

I got dd to sit on the other chair (the 'wrong' one). I sat beside her on the one that was apparantly 'stolen' from her. She was sitting on the edge of it, clearly wanting the one i was on. But i couldn't let her have it because all the other parents were looking at me and it would have looked as if I was just pandering to her.

Anyway, carols finished. And teacher gave out presents. She called out the other child's name. Her mum must have been standing just outside the door, because she came back in for the present upon hearing her child's name, saying that her daughter's birthday (had no idea it was her birthday!) had been ruined thanks to 'that spoilt brat'.

I was completely numb at this point, mortified and felt so weak. All I could focus on was keeping dd calm as i didn't want things to escalate. Everyone was muttering in the audience and tutting.

Afterwards, everyone cleared out the hall. I stayed behind to talk to dd, and explain why she was in the wrong and must come with me to apologise. Just then the teacher came over. I burst into tears. DD was so confused, asking what's wrong.

I apologise to the teacher, explaining that dd's autism just makes her very particular/stubborn about things, and asked if she could take me and dd to the parent so we could say sorry. The teacher was lovely and gave me a big hug and said not to worry. And that she'll apolgise to the mum on my behalf, instead of me going to her myself. The mum - none of the mums - know my dd has autism, but the teacher said she'd inform the mum though (with my permission) to explain to her why dd acted the way she did.

I told dd off when we got home, but it didn't register with her at all.

Wow! Sorry for the epic novel. Basically, AIBU for still feeling so guilty? I need to grow a pair, me thinks. She's probably forgotten all about it. But my friend thinks i deserve to feel this guilty. I - well DD - effectively ruined a little girl's 6th birthday, and her Christmas party all at once.

Lesbeadiva Tue 11-Dec-12 10:53:21

Um you did nothing wrong. The other girl sat in your dds chair and the other mother sounds awful...so YABU to feel guilty. Don't.

MissCellania Tue 11-Dec-12 10:54:18

Other mother totally over-reacted. Kids do stuff like that all the time, it didn't need to be a big deal.

MerylStrop Tue 11-Dec-12 10:54:48

It was only the last 10 minutes. Other woman over-reacted.

Not sure what else you could have done re your DD. Not sure why the other little girl was so insistent on having the same chair?

DowntonNappy Tue 11-Dec-12 10:55:03

That's the thing though, Lesbeadiva, I'm not sure the other child did steal dd's chair. blush

I didn't see which one dd jumped up from. But the other mum was certain her little girl was had been sitting on that chair all along.

WorraLorraTurkey Tue 11-Dec-12 10:55:20

Oh dear that's something you'll all laugh about in years to come, I promise!

YANBU to feel guilty even though there's absolutely nothing you could have done but it'll pass.

Was there only one member of staff there?

You'd think the school would at least have someone else on hand to help out.

AlphaBeta2012 Tue 11-Dec-12 10:55:27

I don't think you sould feel guilty, you tied to handle a difficult situation in the best way you could. the other mother sounds like she caused more harm than good, rather than helping to resolve the situation.

KenLeeeeeeeInnaSantaHat Tue 11-Dec-12 10:55:40

What Lesbeadiva said. You & your dd didn't do anything wrong, so yeah YABU to feel guilty.

BerryChristmas Tue 11-Dec-12 10:55:43

My son, who is now 28, has Aspergers. I have spent many a Christmas Do, and parties, outside after he threatened melt-down.

Sorry, but you should have taken your daughter out as soon as she started - you should know her well enough to know that she wasn't going to let it go.

And if the other Mums don't know she has Autism, then she will be named a 'spoiled brat' occasionally. Tis the way of the world, I'm afraid.

YANBU!!! Sounds like a total nightmare. My DS used to get funny about things like this when he was the same age...he does not have autism...just typical kid behavior.

Out of interest why does your friend think you should feel guilty?

What?! That mother sounds like a twat. This is EXACTLY the type of thing a 4 year old would kick off about, she should know that, what with having one of her own! Your daughter's autism aside, 4 year olds DO tantrum about the most trivial (to us!) of things! Daft cow.

I wouldn't fucking well apologise to her after her outburst.

BookieMonster Tue 11-Dec-12 10:56:49

You tried to handle the situation as best you could. Stop beating yourself up about it.
Have you had a look at the SEN boards here? They are full of lovely and wise posters who have gone through the same thing.

kilmuir Tue 11-Dec-12 10:56:50

Leave it. wrongs on both sides. Kids can be a pain, as can parents. You tried. Now forget it and have a good Chrimbo

YABU - your daughter is very young and hasn't learnt all the coping strategies for her autism yet, you did everything you could, and to be honest this sort of situtation could easily have happened without the autism... the other mum seems to have escalated the situation which was very unhelpful.

All you can do now is put this behind you and continue to work on your DD's and your own coping mechanisms. I am sure the other child will have forgotten all about it and will have enjoyed the rest of her birthday.

notnagging Tue 11-Dec-12 10:57:46

I felt very sad on your behalf reading your posthmm
Kids are kids. They get over things quicker then adults. It happened, things will calm down.

Knowing your dd, do you think it really was her chair in the first place? I'm guessing that she is very precise about that kind of thing. In which case, the other girl did bring it on herself to some extent. And the other mother fuelled the flames - swearing and storming out didn't exactly help the situation. She could easily have asked her daughter to move out of the chair, rather than make a big deal about it.

Your daughter has a reason for making a big deal of the situation - it was her chair, and she's not the most flexible of people to put up with other people being inaccurate.

Her daughter didn't have any excuse for not moving back to her own chair when challenged, whether it was her birthday or not.

And the mother has no excuse for having a rant about it.

Hope you can calm down and feel less guilty about the situation!

woopdiedoo Tue 11-Dec-12 10:58:13

YAbu to feel guilty.

I don't think you should feel bad at all. Why didn't the mum of the other girl get her to move? All children behave this way at times, especially when they see that they are in the 'right'. I think my dd would have behaved the same way in this situation and she doesn't have SN.

It grates on me when parents are so judgy in situations like this. Fgs, parenting is hard enough without having an audience! I always give an understanding snow and smile to exasperated parents trying to deal with (normal) tantrums.

Don't feel bad op. I think you handled the situation as well as can be expected. And from the sounds of it the other mother didn't.

thefirstmrsrochester Tue 11-Dec-12 10:58:23

The other mother should get a dressing down for swearing within earshot of primary age children and for being so nasty about your daughter.
And as I understand it, it was a school Christmas party, and therefore not st all about her dd.

DowntonNappy Tue 11-Dec-12 11:00:18

Thanks everyone, I realise i should have taken her out right away, but tbh, i thought "It's just a few more minutes, I can calm her down, I don't want dd missing out."

I never imagined this would mean the other little girl would miss out instead! That's why i feel terrible.

It wasn't a school thing. It was a little club she attends once a week.

pigletmania Tue 11-Dec-12 11:01:31

Awww big hugs, you did nothing wrong. The other mum sounds horrid, ebpven if your dd did not have Autism, the mum is an adult and should know better behaviour. What example is she setting to her child?

fromparistoberlin Tue 11-Dec-12 11:01:49

she is 4, and other Mum was obvs having a bad day

if you still feel bad say sorry, and then let it lie

shit happens!

nannynick Tue 11-Dec-12 11:01:59

Your DD is likely in my view to be right.
YABU to think you spoilt the girls evening, they spoiled your DD's and your evening.

You did nothing wrong, you tried to resolve things.

Viviennemary Tue 11-Dec-12 11:02:30

Well the other child was in the wrong and her mother should have said she could move. When I was a child the offending chair would have been removed so neither child could sit on it. It is horribly embarrassing when this happens but it will soon be forgotten I expect.

clarelou13 Tue 11-Dec-12 11:02:33

I really wouldn't feel guilty at all! The other mother totally over reacted! And as Lesbeadiva said, the other little may well have sat in your dds chair. Your dd does not sound like a 'spoilt brat' either. If anything, the other little girl sounds like the pampered princess. YABU to feel any guilt, you did everything you could to try and resolve the situation amicably.
The other mother should be feeling guilty for showing herself up, swearing in front of little kids and behaving like a child herself.

CometAndCupid Tue 11-Dec-12 11:03:13

I think the other mother hugely over reacted. She was the one swearing infront of a room of children. She sounds pretty horrible to be honest.

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