To not want this woman to replace the kids she can't have with mine?

(389 Posts)
HandsOFFplease Mon 10-Dec-12 06:16:49

Get your biscuit and brew ready, long post to avoid drip feeding. Long time lurker, first time I'm posting.

Amicably split up with ExDP when DS was 4 and DD 6 months, was pleased that he moved on pretty quickly, but had issues with his new DP and the way she acted around my DCs straight away. Over the past 2 year she has become un-fucking-bearable and I'm at my wits end and clueless as to what to do about her. She was told at a young age she couldn't have children as she delights in telling everyone she knows repeatedly at every chance she gets and it's obviously been a major issue for her all her life, she started IVF privately less than three months after getting with my ExDP, and is constantly trying to undermine me and take over the care of my DC's.

1) Two weeks after he began to date ExDP she had pictures of my DC on her facebook, one of which was of her bottle feeding my daughter (I didn't even know they'd met her at this point) with the tag, 'mummy time' others has tags like 'my handsome boy' I immediately texted ExDP and told him to get her to take them down. She set her facebook to private so I couldn't see if she had them up or not and then sent me text messages telling me she was just trying to bond with the children and that I was being unreasonable.

2) I invited her and ExDP to DD's first birthday party, she spent the entire day monopolizing DD refusing to allow anyone else to hold her, insisted she was in every photograph with her and even tried to open her presents with her. When I put my foot down and refused, she told me it was unfair that I was excluding her and stormed out of the house crying.

3) Convinced herself and ExDP that DS had a wheat allergy, no idea where this came from as he has never had any issues with allergies, started him on a wheat free diet at her house and tried to make me follow it, phoned up his school behind my back to tell them he had this allergy and she was worried that I wasn't taking it seriously enough.

4) She took my DD for her first haircut w/o asking me and is constantly taking DS despite me repeatedly asking her not to cut his hair. She has kept DS off of school to take him to unnecessary Doctors/Dentist appointments w/o asking me, I only found out when I received absence letters from the school.

5) Bitched, whined and moaned from day one that ExDP doesn't get enough time with the DC, despite the fact he suggested our current arrangements and has never said he's unhappy with them.

6) Sent me nasty messages when I went back to work and chose to put DD in a nursery instead of allowing her to look after her during the day.

7) When DS starred in the Christmas Nativity she demanded I force my DM to give up her ticket to her so she could come see him (there was a limited number of tickets per child), when I refused she accused me of trying to 'keep the children out of her life'. My DM had terminal cancer; she won't be able to see him perform again.

8) Constantly feeds the DCs chocolate and sweets, knowing I'm trying to limit them, encourages DS to lie to me about this.
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9) Tried to start potty training DD when I specifically asked her not to, as she wasn't ready for it.

10) I'm still very close to ExDP's PIL they think she is a weirdo they invited me to a family BBQ, I left children with a close family friend for the night. She spent the entire night making comments about how she would never leave them alone and said I was selfish to put a night out before my DC.

11) ExDP couldn't make it to Parent's Evening so she came instead; she repeatedly interrupted the teacher and ranted about how the school was not doing enough to support DS's learning. I have never had an issues with his schooling, I was absolutely mortified and had to apologize to DS's teacher.

12) Threw a massive tantrum in front of the DC during handover and made them cry when I told her explicitly she would not be taking them out of school/nursery to go on honeymoon with her and ExDP for 2 weeks to Australia DS still hasn't forgiven me.

13) MIL phoned me and told me she'd invited ExDP and his DP over for a meal, apparently she'd spent the night with ExDP discussing the likelihood of them getting custody of the DCs if they went to court!

14) Is CONSTANTLY buying them expensive presents turning them into spoilt brats which they can only play with at her house. DS now tells me he wants to stay at his Dad's because it's much more fun than here.

15) Found out I hadn't breastfed my DC and spent a family party telling all who would listen, had they been her DCs she would have done it because she's not selfish and cares about their health.

This all came to a head tonight at handover when she revealed she's had the DC's names tattooed horribly on her chest. I admittedly lost my temper and told her she needed to stop trying to replace me and that my kids are my kids, to which she replied she was a far better mother than me and it was unfair that she couldn't have kids and I could.

I honestly cannot deal with this headcase woman anymore. I've tried to raise this issue with ExDP and told him that I feel like she's trying to replace the children she can't have with our DC, but he completely supports her and thinks I am being unreasonable and that it's unfair of me to not let her have an equal say in how they are raised. I've warned him that if she doesn't back off I'm going to stop contact, I have no idea what she's saying to them when they are at his house. As I said, I'm not the only person who sees this, the majority of his family agree with me.

AIBU?

peaceandlovebunny Mon 10-Dec-12 06:20:16

don't let them go to her.

Hopeforever Mon 10-Dec-12 06:24:33

You need to get advise over this, but don't stop contact until you have talked to a solicitor as it would count against you if their dad doesn't have time with them.

My main concern would be her taking them to dr and dentist without your permission. This is obviously documented by the school and at the surgeries.

YABU for calling her a headcase shock

TheReturnOfBridezilla Mon 10-Dec-12 06:25:38

I don't know what to say to this but she doesn't sound quite balanced. Fair play to her for embraci by our children but she is very much taking things too far.

Could you contact school/docs/dentists and just explain the situation and that she has no parental rights and everything must go through you or ex rather than her?

JakeBullet Mon 10-Dec-12 06:25:42

She sounds utterly deranged.

Are the school aware they must not discuss anything with her?

I'd be stopping contact at their place until some rules are in place and an agreement is reached that they are followed. Is there somewhere else contact can be held, like perhaps at PIL?

Not an easy situation and like you I'd be incensed if photos of my child ended up on FB without my permission.

TeaJunky Mon 10-Dec-12 06:26:54

Oh my !

But Op, why did you allow her to go to parents evening with you?

Rosa Mon 10-Dec-12 06:27:16

Agree she has to stop, many of the things said are for you and exdp to make not her. Not sure how you go about it possibly start with legal advice?

HandsOFFplease Mon 10-Dec-12 06:28:24

Supervised contact sounds like a good idea, though I'd feel bad if I inflicted her on the ExPIL. grin

She is definitely deranged though.

EuphemiaInExcelsis Mon 10-Dec-12 06:29:00

YANBU. She is a nutjob.

I think you need to print out your post, and go and see a solicitor to discuss all these points. This woman would obviously like nothing better than to have you off the scene entirely, and she's busy turning your kids against you to achieve that.

What you never mention is your Ex's role in all this - what's he saying/doing?

Also I got confused by the pronouns in this:
"6) Sent me nasty messages when I went back to work and chose to put DD in a nursery instead of allowing her to look after her during the day."

toomuchchristmaspudding Mon 10-Dec-12 06:30:48

I came on here fully expecting to say that I thought you were being unreasonable, but I have to say, I don't think you are. I am afraid I would be inclined to stop her seeing them. The haircuts, doctors appointments and her behaviour over the Aus trip, I find particularly worrying.

SantasComingFace Mon 10-Dec-12 06:31:50

I read the title and thought 'jeez that's harsh' but reading the post YANBU (but I still think memtioning that she can't have children is a bit harsh) the simple matter is they are not her children and she shouldn't be doing this. Why are the doctors seeing her with the kids?

You need to talk to xp, you don't mention what he thinks about all this?

HandsOFFplease Mon 10-Dec-12 06:31:56

He's doing nothing he doesn't see anything wrong with how she acts too busy with work

She wanted to look after DD when I went back to work, I refused and put her into a nursery for obvious reasons and she freaked out about it.

HollyBerryBush Mon 10-Dec-12 06:32:08

Red flag! red flag! red flag!

You could be talking about my sons friends step mother.

I could write pages and pages of how she managed to eventually remove the mother from the childs life - pages and pages. Total fruit loop. Be afraid, very afraid - this woman will go to the ends of the earth to acquire your children.

She eventually got residency (as it was back then) and would phone the police if the child was so much as 2 minutes late back from a visit. Kidnapping you see. God she's awful.

Mind that just isn't helpful is it? Me putting the fear of god into you.

Tabliope Mon 10-Dec-12 06:33:58

What a nightmare. How often do the kids go to stay with them?

AltinkumATEalltheTurkey Mon 10-Dec-12 06:34:10

I think nutcase is quite fitting in this case!!!

I'd be speaking to a solicitor and have notes in the files that she hasn't to speak to anyone in the medical profession concerning DC and also the school.

Se may be marrying the DC father but she has no legal responsibility to them.

HandsOFFplease Mon 10-Dec-12 06:35:11

Bridezilla and Santas I contacted the Doctors, they said they were unaware of the living situation and said that the receptionists can't be expected to remember what every child's parent looks like. Which I think was a fair point. They said they'd call to confirm any booked appointments with me in the future, to prevent it happening again.

HandsOFFplease Mon 10-Dec-12 06:36:59

They stay with them Monday to Wednesday, she was pushing to have them on Saturday or Sunday too.

Holly confused

BellaOfTheBalls Mon 10-Dec-12 06:38:01

Why doesn't she work? I know that isn't exactly the key issue here but trying to get all the facts!

I initially saw the title and though "oh here we go" but actually YADNBU and I think you need some legal advice ASAP. Definitely speak to school re removal for doctors/dentist appts. They need to be made aware she has no parental rights.

Can you speak to your ex-DP alone?

hermioneweasley Mon 10-Dec-12 06:38:14

Agree with others - she has serious boundary issues.

I would do a couple of things - I would speak to school/GP etc as others have said and say this woman is to have nothing to do with your kids.

I would also keep a diary of events and conversations so you have evidence that she is undermine you and this is not good for your kids.

You say you are still close to exPIL. Could they help you- speak to their son and say they have observed this and it's not on, that it's not good for their GC and his DCs to have their mother undermined. Also I would ask them to have a family pact that if she criticises you at family gatherings that she is asked to leave.

JakeBullet Mon 10-Dec-12 06:39:33

Definitely keep a diary.....very good idea Hermione.

Tabliope Mon 10-Dec-12 06:40:04

I'd see a solicitor and see if you can get contact changed to every other weekend. She shouldn't be keeping your DS off school. That's probably breaking the law. I'd make sure the school and nursery phone you whenever the kids don't go in. So sad they were so young when she came in to their lives as to an extent she's had to tend to their physical needs while they were so young - bottles, nappies etc. She's probably very much part of their lives but she's overstepping the boundaries massively.

HandsOFFplease Mon 10-Dec-12 06:41:15

Bella, she quit her job when she started IVF because she thought working would decrease her chances of getting pg.

Hermionethe diary is a really good idea and I'm sure ExPIL will back me up on this, his DS also really doesn't like her and refused to attend family events if she's there. They'd definitely have my back if I took it to court.

DragonMamma Mon 10-Dec-12 06:46:26

I'm actually agog at what this absolute fruitloop is up to. She is absolutely barking mad.

I have no idea what can be done to keep her grubby paws off your dc's but a diary and a solicitor sounds like a bloody good place to start.

My concern is that she's already making your DS want to stay there over your house by bribing him so is she gearing up for them going for residency?

The situation makes me shudder and sounds very Hand That Rocks the Cradle-esque

Morloth Mon 10-Dec-12 06:47:08

Time to lawyer up. The split might have been amicable at the time, but I don't think from what you have posted here that it is going to stay that way.

You need to sit down with a family law expert and go over everything in detail and then have them write to your Ex stating what you want to happen and what your plans are and then push to court if necessary.

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